2025 Sep 16

i pulled through, i did it. turns out it wasn’t so bad! every time id think about it though, prior to the big event, my heart would sink. as i was walking up to my boss my heart was racing like a mf. i couldnt even spit it out though. i talked to her for a minute, she was complaining about how things are going wrong, and i asked her if i could make her day a little worse. i think she knew what was coming, she looked terrified. and then i sat staring at her awkwardly for like 5-10 seconds before i just said “i think you know what im going to say…” and she said “youre leaving me” and i was like yup :( and then handed her my note. she definitely cried, as i expected lol. i thought i was gonna be fighting back tears but surprisingly i wasnt. but overall she took it fairly well, she understood. and she thought it was coming anyway so it wasnt a massive surprise. so thats that!

its crazy how fast word spreads though. i told my boss, who i dont think really told anyone besides her boss by this point. then i told the 4 people on my team about 30-45 minutes before they shift ended. then, about 20ish minutes after everyone left, i went to the break room and there was 2 people in there. these people, while im familiar with them (one of them is the girl i asked out a year ago even, if you remember lol), i rarely ever talk to. and they asked me if its true that im leaving. i was totally caught off guard, i didnt expect them to know about it yet. she told me who told her and it was someone i would have never expected. thats wild man.

anyway, it was sad for sure. i thought id feel hollow after everyone left and i was left to my lonesome. but i was proven wrong. instead, that feeling came after i left. i just felt empty inside, tired, sad, lonely. probably didnt help i didnt get enough sleep the night before though. im sure this feeling will quickly fade. then it will hit hard on my last day. then ill be living my best life, albeit aggressively frugal.

i gotta go attend a virtual career session in a few minutes. had another one last week with the US secret service which was neat. apparently you can retire in 20 years if you work with them, at least as an agent (im not sure about the other workers). and the most difficult requirement they have, which i cant imagine is even that difficult, is being able to qualify for the highest possible security clearance. they prefer you have a college degree (they don’t care about major) but thats not even required. pretty sweet. alas, not for me though. i am only attending these sessions as a requirement for one of my classes. next up i have one with rio tinto. gonna go hop in now. later gaters

2025 Sep 14

welp. im doing it. granted i dont chicken out, im submitting my 2 weeks tomorrow. ive been thinking about this for a couple weeks now. after i wrote my notice, i went to proofread it, and i read the first line, “…I’ve decide to leave Moog…” and that wrecked me. i started choking up. fuck man. why is this so hard? ive been at this company for just over three years at this point, i love my job and the people i work with, mostly. i hope my absence is only temporary, though. i don’t wish to work in production again, but i do hope to 1) secure an summer 2026 internship with them, and 2) work there in the future post-graduation. am i just too emotionally attached? maybe i am. regardless, wish me luck tomorrow. i wouldn’t be surprised if i start choking up in front my boss lol. i can almost guarantee shes going to take it pretty hard too. a coworker i mentioned once previously, dan, was a really hard worker and everyone loved him, including our boss. when he quit, she started crying, so i hear. if thats true, i can only imagine what it will be like when i do the same. i worry shes going to try to talk me out of it and im going to give in… ill do my best not to. well see how it goes.

i finished frankenstein last week. such a good book, actually. i watched the hallmark adaptation of it over the last couple nights, and while there were still many differences, it was a good adaptation and lowkey made me cry lmao. i started reading pale blue dot like i said i would. so far so good, im enjoying it. im like 3-4 chapters in by now. heres something crazy though. ive been listening to a lot of nightwish again recently. off their human :||: nature album, the second part (side 2 on a physical copy), called “all the works of nature which adorn the world” is kind of like a classical musical piece with spoken poetry/passages here and there. thats kind of a gross description of it—i dont know how to really describe it properly, honestly. but its quite different from the first part of the album. its much slower. i never really listened to it a whole lot, usually only when i played the album and tuned it out as background music. but last few days ive been listening to it more and more, and… its beautiful. i actually love it so much. anyway, i gotta mention the crazy part. i was listening to the last piece to it, “all the works of nature which adorn the world - ad astra”, and i was reading the lyrics to it. the vibe of the music, the build up, the energy, the lyrics, everything, was giving me chills. then it got towards one of the last lyrics: “on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam”. i recognized that line. i realized i just read it in pale blue dot the other day. so i grabbed the book and found where it was written. and it turns out that the entire lyrics to the song is that very passage from the book. a little homage to sagan. i thought that was so cool, and so cool that i coincidentally independently started consuming two very different pieces of media only to realize that they’re connected in a way (albeit by a one way street).

i feel kind of relaxed, for once. im fully caught up on all my school work save for a programming assignment. that assignment is a pair programming one, and we’re mostly done with it (…hopefully) and we’re going to work on it tomorrow. i cant work on it alone, so i really have nothing to do, school wise right now. its nice. i mean i need to go to bed here soon, so its not like i can really do much with my time anyway. but im relaxed. and im writing. i feel good. other than being emotional about quitting my job. but quitting my job, while its going to be hard, will ultimately bring me more peace which im really looking forward to.

turns out LaTeX is pretty sweet. if you dont know what it is, think of a word processor, like google docs or microsoft word. theyre called WYSIWYG (what you see is what you get) editors. you type some words and the words appear on the document where you type them. LaTeX, on the other hand is basically a coding language of sorts. you type it in whatever medium (i do it in the terminal with vim because im an elitist…really its just what im comfortable with and i have a really nice workflow with it), then you compile it into a pdf document. theres a steep learning curve for sure, but its so much nicer for complex/long papers because it handles the formatting so much better. you dont have to worry about dragging a picture 5 pixels and destroying the whole document. i’ve been using LaTeX to write my lab reports because we need to stick to IEEE guidelines. i tried doing it in ms word at first, but it was infuriating. so i said fuck it and got some help from my best friend chat gpt and got started on LaTeX. i have actually used it before but its been years. i was a weirdo and wrote a few essays in it for my concurrent enrollment english class i took senior year of highschool. i think that was a little overkill. but it integrates really well with IEEE guidelines because you can literally just write a couple lines of code that tells the compiler to use IEEE formatting and it does it with no fuss. my friend calls me a masochist because it took me like 15-20 hours just to write one (very short) lab report lol. but like i said there is a steep learning curve. i think i’ve gotten the hang out it by now that i am much more efficient at it. i can even draw circuit diagrams with it which is fucking sick dude. oh and you can also copy and paste matlab code into it, tell it that youre writing matlab code and how youd like it stylized, and it just does it. perfect syntax highlighting, font handling, line wrapping, even line numbering. LaTeX is a godsend. i hate writing lab reports, but this makes it more enjoyable because 1) its just cool 2) it makes them look so pretty so it makes me happy 3) :)

2025 Sep 04

i am writing this at 7 am in a seemingly empty building. its so quiet and peaceful. i could lay upon this table here and doze off for hours if i so desired. i got 3.5 hours of shut eye last night. this schedule is wrecking me. most days i fall asleep around 11-12, waking up around 7-8. except for thursdays. i have to be asleep by 9 on wednesday night to wake by 5 on thursday. thats a 2-3 hour differential. its also a nightmare. i was in bed last night but my body did not desire to be there. i layed there for hours, i even read for a while too, all to no avail. until 1:30 when my body finally gave way to the goddess of slumber.

maybe its my groggy mind desperately looking for solutions on impulse, but i am genuinely starting to considered leaving my job. my sleep schedule is not sustainable. if that were the only issue, i’d stay. but i have found, even though its the beginning of the semester with a fairly light course load compared to whats to come, i am struggling to stay behind. and im not just being lazy, either. ive been utilizing the hell out of my free time to focus on school work. we just had a long weekend, and i spent hours and hours on homework, yet i still was unable to accomplish everything i needed to. aside, i want some free time too. i want to relax, to be able to enjoy life a little bit. be able to set aside time to step away from responsibilities and take in what life has to offer.

i have still been reading quite a bit. finished chaos a little over a week ago and then i started reading Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein. granted, this book is a required reading for my ethics/philosophy class, but i am enjoying it nonetheless and have gone beyond where the professor would like us to read to. maybe i do like fiction, after all. i still need to read a greater variety of books to find what i truly like and dislike. next up is going to be pale blue dot. i think i mentioned that already. but im excited for it.

this may be silly billy, but the part of my day i often look forward to the most is riding the train. i have no obligations on the train apart from common courtesy to those around me. obviously, im not working on the train. but i also dont do homework on it either, its not worth the effort in my opinion. usually depending on my mood and if i can score a seat or not, i will either just doze off or read. its peaceful. it gives me about an hour a day to just relax.

will i be happy when school is over? or will i resort to other occupations to fill my mind with stress?

2025 Aug 24

yo yo whats up whats good its your boy BACK with another blog post. brought to you by nordvpn and raid shadow legends and manscaped and brilliant and betterhelp and you. more on that later.

so its been 6 days since my last post. im slacking. but its been mostly intentional. although last couple days ive straight up just forgotten about it. i just havent had a whole lot to talk about, really. and also, since this often takes up a good chunk of time, ive wanted to cut down a little bit so i have more time to study. ironically, im writing this on probably my most stressful day. i need to read all of homer’s odyssey and i also have an entire PDEs assignment due tomorrow i havent started on. man fuck PDEs i shouldnt have taken it. its no longer required for EE but i still signed up because it thought it would be cool. and it probably is. but i havent been able to follow anything in lecture beyond explaining the syllabus first day. maybe im pushing blame here, but i think its because its a grad student teaching it. professors often arent the best at teaching either, but grad students? rough. thankfully its my only class this semester like this. maybe im too accustomed to the awesome professors i had back in slcc. i didn’t really know this until after i started at the U but its apparently common knowledge that community college profs are often much better and more passionate than their colleagues in uni. so far, from my little experience in uni, this has proven true. i have one professor i actually kinda dig and its in my stinky ethics class, the one i care the least about.

this will be a little tmi, but i have a confession to make. ive not been doing too well fighting my porn addiction. i went i think 3 strong weeks without it. i stopped desiring it, i was happy without it. then, around the time i went on my writing “hiatus” if you can even call it that, i fell back in. possibly as a consequence of not writing. i feel awful. i dont even know why i succumbed to it again. it just… happened. i need to stop. i cant keep living with this addiction. its never made me happy. it only floods my brain with feel good chemicals for a brief moment before im back to feeling the same way i felt before, if not worse. im going to do better. i know i have the power to get through this. why is it so hard? why does it have to be so accessible? fuck porn.

on the plus side, i have been reading a lot more since i started school. i still havent gotten through Chaos, but ive read a really good chunk of it. im over half way now. ive been reading on the train (if i can get a seat, which is about half the time), before bed most nights, and sometimes before class. im enjoying it. i dont really understand a lot of the book, and i struggle with comprehension, but thats okay. practice makes better. i think im going to read pale blue dot next. theres been a few times where ive gone to the bookstore and bought a few books only to never read them. pale blue dot is one of them. i also bought contact, also by carl sagan, and read about a quarter of it last year, but i eventually just got bored and stopped reading it. im wondering if fiction isnt really my thing. maybe i just havent found the right fiction. or maybe i need to approach it from a different light. im not sure. but ultimately i want to keep reading, i want to read more books. i want my brain to be wrinklier.

i got denied the pell grant yet again. how sad. my parents make too much money, apparently. even though theyre living paycheck to paycheck and are in quite a bit of debt. my mom is especially. i think ill be fine. i can support the next 2 semester at least fully out of pocket, especially with a christmas bonus at work and tax returns next year. i just need to keep working… hopefully i can do it. my semester, while its undoubtedly going to be hell, doesnt look as awful as i imagined. at least looking through canvas, theres not things due like every day. i think ill be able to handle it.

a couple days ago, friday, since i had the day off from work i hung out on campus for a good chunk of the day. i got there about 9 am and left about 4. had a couple classes but then i hung out with a new bud of mine from my CS class, we worked on the first assignment together. then after he left off to class i hung out in gardner commons for a bit and then went over to the marriott library and spent 1.5-2 hours there before i skidaddled. i enjoyed it. i did get hungry and i didnt really want to spend much money on campus food so i just snacked on some peanuts and then a fig bar ive had in my backpack for a few months lol. on my way home i saw a really cute girl on the train. when i imagine a girl who is “my type”, at least appearance-wise, she fit it perfectly. lowkey i keep thinking about her her and there. i doubt ill ever see her again. thats okay. i still dont even know if the train would be an appropriate place to chat someone up and ask them out. i think it would be okay given the right circumstances. i dont know. frankly i feel weird even talking about this. i dont know if thats a good or bad thing. i usually never openly discuss anything about myself dating related to anyone other than one friend, and even then i keep it pretty reserved. it just feels awkward. i cant talk to my parents about it, thats extra awkward. maybe its just my perception, but at least to me, they make it awkward. maybe its me that makes it awkward. how many times can i say the word awkward? when anyone, but especially family, shows me a picture of a woman and asks “isnt she so pretty?” or something like that, i dont know what to say, whether i think shes pretty or not. its awkward. my mom and sister keep saying how theyd set me up with this girl they know if they werent gay or in a relationship or something. frankly im thankful that thats always been the case. i dont really want to be “set up” with someone, especially from a family member. just weird dynamics and a lot more pressure. not something i care to experience. i think i think too much about girls and dating. i need to focus more on myself and expressing myself in ways that feel right to me. i ended up deleting hinge a while ago, and ive been much happier since. i spent too much time on their, trying to make a killer profile, spending too much time thinking of the perfect comment to leave on someones picture or prompt. i was never successful. thats fine though, im not guaranteed success, and i still learned from it. but at the end of the day, i just wasnt happy. its too performative and competitive. im neither. id rather meet someone naturally and authentically. without hinge, or any other dating app, ive been focusing my romantic intentions on real life interactions. i mean i cant even muster up the courage to talk to someone. but im trying. im trying to feel better in my own skin, im trying to be someone i can feel confident being. but ive still got a ways to go. ill do my best to enjoy the journey.

alrighty i think thats enoughity. i need to focus on my homework. catch ya later

2025 Aug 18

so far so good. my legs are gonna be shredded by the time i get my degree. lots of walking, which is fine, i can walk for days. but with it being so hilly/stairy plus having an almost 20 lb backback, my ankles are feeling it already.

15-20 minutes between classes is gonna suck man. i left my first class pretty much right on time, wasted almost no time to get to my next class, and i got there exactly when it started. maybe i should get some heelys lol. i could never get the hang of them as a kid. my classes today were very boring, twas almost entirely going over the syllabi. tomorrow will likely be the same with my other 2 classes.

trax was definitely pretty packed going to the school, there were no seats available when i got on. and by “no seats available” i really mean theres no seat pairs available. there were a fair amount of open seats but right next to someone else. so i just stood, and ill probably have to most of the time. actually maybe not now that i think of it. maybe its different at uni but at slcc people just stopped showing up to classes after the first few weeks, but the first couple everyone shows up. so maybe the trains will get lighter. it was so quiet though, like, scarily quiet. no one was talking. it was quieter than an empty cab on a weeknight. it was so weird.

my quest class, “exploring philosophy of self: rethinking creativity in the age of ai” seems easy but i think im going to be miserable. im so tired of gen eds. thankfully its my last. lots of reading and discussions. but maybe it wont be so bad. we get to read frankenstein. but we also have to do some presentation project at the end of the semester which is so lame. i havent done a presentation since high school, at least presentations in front of many people. im done for brother. can i skip this project like i did in circuits and be fine?

work was alright. definitely quiet with me being the only one there. i mean theres people on the other side of the production floor, but im the only one in my group there. was nice that i wasnt being bothered constantly and that i could have my headphones in. i was quite productive. but i still think it might get lonely after a while.

2025 Aug 17

i feel i was robbed of my childhood. i was a total ipad kid. granted, the ipad didnt come until i think i was 9, but i spent so much time on it. and even before, i spent a lot of time on computers, game consoles, and the internet.

i rarely went out and socialized, especially as i got older. i had a few online friends that i would spend most of my time talking to. but of course, those faded. there werent many kids in my neighborhood and my parents took me to a school that was further away than the closest one, so all my real life friends were too far away to hang out casually.

older people often talk about how, as kids, they would leave home and find some available friends and just go do whatever the hell they wanted and be back before the street lamps come on. i wish i had that. i did have 2 friends in the neighborhood (same street as me) that i’d occasionally go knock on their door to see if they could play, and theyd do the same with me. but we always stayed in the neighborhood, usually just the same street, or at one of our houses playing video games or watching youtube. we werent allowed to go far. we always had a pretty early curfew too. at least i did.

after i got the ipad, though, i stopped being as social in person. i stopped wanting to spend less and less times with my real life friends. the ipad was such a high concentrated and more reliable dopamine hit, so naturally thats what i wanted. and my parents didnt care. in fact if one of my friends came to the door asking to play, my parents would support my desire not to play and tell them a lie as to why i cant play. i started spending all my time online from the moment i got home from school.

i always thought i couldn’t be an ipad kid. my parents were strict enough with it, right? i wasnt allowed to use it, or any other devices, at the dinner table, after all. i associated ipad kids with the annoying kids who would shut up when you shove an ipad in their face at applebees. since that wasnt me, i didnt believe i was an ipad kid; i was healthy, my growth wont be stunted like theirs. im sure you can guess how that went.

now i dont have many friends, i dont know how to socialize properly, i still dont go out very often. i stress over a fucking phone call. other than people im very familiar with, i need to really prep myself and psych myself up before i can call someone. when i go to restaurants i often just order online because its easier. i should stop doing that. i should force myself to interact with people rather than staying in my comfort zone.

its raining a lot right now, i love it. i love the ambience. so peaceful. i wish it wouldnt stop.

how am i supposed to find friends? most if not all my friendships have started because they initiated. even my friend who is similarly socially awkward. i dont know how. i just expect that ill be fine if i just want for people to make friends with me first. if i cant even make friends, how am i supposed to find a girlfriend? what girl is going to want a dude that cant interact like a normal human being? sure, im friendly, i can get along with you. but i am going to struggle during conversation, ESPECIALLY if im into you. im cooked.

covid didnt help either. thankfully i graduated a year after the pandemic started so i still got a mostly full school experience. but it only made me double down on my reclusive tendencies. now everything is online, i dont need to worry about talking with a living, breathing meat bag to get what i want. its too convenient and saves me from awkward interactions.

i want to get out more. i dont have much time to though. is that just an excuse i tell myself though? this semester is going to packed to the brim, probably overflowing. but maybe it wont be bad. maybe i will have time. but ill probably still tell myself i wont have time. especially if i keep procrastinating like i always do. i think on fridays, since i dont have work, i will spend a few hours in the student union. ive never been inside, but i hear its a nice hangout spot for students. i can go there and study while being in a social environment. i mean i probably still wont talk to others very much, but its better than just being at home. i hope it will help me be more comfortable around other people. people my age, especially.

going back to being an ipad kid, i was always on it if i wasnt on some other device. my parents did impose a bed time and i wasnt allowed to use devices after bed time. that didnt stop me. i walked into my bedroom with my ipad under my shirts/pants so my parents wouldnt see me walk in there with it. i played lots of minecraft, watched youtube, talked with some online friends on kik. kik was the shit back then.

we didnt get out as a family much. i think i learned a lot of my reclusive tendencies from my parents. i genuinely cannot tell you the last time i ever remember my dad going out with his friends. he doesnt have many friends outside of work. and hes a total workaholic, always has been, so he spends a ton of time there. my mom is similar although shell occasionally go out and see her friends. but we didnt do much as a family. for a few years we would go to vegas once a year. occasionally wed go to lagoon. when i was really young wed go snow tubing once a year. other than that, vacations werent really a thing. i dont think my parents ever took me to a park. i only knew the playgrounds at school. we rarely went to events. i never got into sports or extracurricular activities. i think i tried playing soccer for one seasons when i was like 10. i also dropped out of hockey practice at 5. thats the extent of sports i played beyond whatever we did during PE class or recess. most of the time we all just sat at home, and often not even together. id always be doing my own thing, my dad would always be outside in the garage doing whatever, and my mom would always be watching TV (still, to this day).

i understand my parents were never strapped with cash. weve always been paycheck to paycheck, i think even filing for bankruptcy at one point. although i think that was during the recession in 2008/9. we didnt really have the money to go on many vacations. thats fine. i just wish we wouldve done more as a family. i wish we couldve gone out more and spent more time together. i wish they pushed me to do extracurriculars rather than leaving the choice 100% up to me. i mean i appreciate being given a choice, but i was a kid. as a kid, of course i just wanted to play video games all the time, so thats what i chose.

a lot of the times, both as a kid and now, when we do something as a family it often involves drinking. im not a drinker so i feel kid of left out. my dad and sister drink but theyre usually not too bad about it. my mom tends to drink more and she is so fucking obnoxious when shes drunk. i actually cannot stand being around her when shes drunk. maybe if i was drunk i could, but im not doing that. its not uncommon for me to tell them im tired so i have an excuse to get away from her.

thats all. just wish i wasnt allowed such unrestricted access to the ipad and internet as a kid and that had more opportunities to connect with other kids my age and been able to get out of the house more.

wish me luck tomorrow for my first day at the u. pretty nervous but i think ill be fine. i think itll be good for me, it might help me socialize more, especially compared to slcc.

2025 Aug 16

to be honest i almost forgot to write today. i was too focused on doing nothing. today has been so boring. i shouldve gone out and done something. but i didnt. maybe i will tomorrow. maybe ill go hang out at the park or something.

i was productive this morning. i had a very balanced breakfast: scrambled eggs with ketchup and some iced coffee. i did the dishes. i did laundry. i installed my end links. i applied for fafsa (bout time). i was done with everything i needed to do around 2 pm. i was absolutely lazy after. i feel pretty shit. i didnt do anything. i ate way too much ice cream. i did make a pretty decent dinner though. cooked up some egg noodles and mixed them with some diced chicken, spinach, and cream of chicken. was pretty good and filling. i had two bowls before i decided i couldnt shove any more down my throat.

i did buy some band shirts im pretty excited about. men i trust, tops, and strongboi. almost bought a magdalena bay shirt but i decided against it. i want to buy more but 1) theyre kinda expensive, 2) im not a fan of a lot of the shirts / they dont offer anything (or theyre just out of my size), and 3) i have a fear of seeming like a poser so i usually try to only buy band shirts for bands/artists i really like. like im not going to buy a japanese breakfast shirt, because even though i like some of their songs, i havent listened to them enough to know much about their music. so id feel like a poser buying a shirt of theirs i know, its a weird fear of mine. i wouldnt judge someone for wearing a shirt for a band they dont know much about, but id judge myself for it.

i forgot to mention my final grades. they were finalized yesterday. i got an A in circuits! previous sems i got a B- and a B. but this was easier because the design project assignments were only worth 5% (i didnt do any of them) and there was no lab reports, just lab notebooks. and the notebooks were graded with more leniency than normal too. was pretty happy. and i got a B+ in chemistry. i thought i was going to get a B. a few days prior to grades being final, my prof emailed me saying “broski theres a bonus point quiz. dont miss out on those sweet, juicy points”. well i didnt listen. i didnt do it because i didnt want to and i didnt think it would affect my grade much. well then a couple days later, i think the day before they were final, he still gave me full credit for it. he gave me full credit on a bonus point quiz that i never even considered doing. thanks mr dr holcomb, you bumped me up to a B+ for doing that.

my signals and systems classes got posted to canvas today and i took a brief look at it. doesnt look too awful but it doesnt look pretty. but it has 4 midterms????? plus the final. thats insane to me. first one is like 2-3 weeks into the semester. wild dude. id rather just do one larger midterm plus the final.

i wish i could enjoy music more easily. its hard for me to enjoy new music. especially if im going out of my way to find new music, in which case i find nothing that appeals to my picky earballs. i think most of the time i find new bands i enjoy when its on in the background. i’ll put on a playlist (i listen to lots of spotify curated artist/genre/daily mixes), and if im not too focused on it, it will end the playlist and play similar music. this is when i find most new artists. sometimes ill tune back in and/or something just happens to catch my ear and im like hey thats pretty good (cue idubbbz). then i listen to more and sometimes i like it sometimes i dont. but theyre on my radar. over the next few weeks ill listen to them a little more and more before i realize that theyre actually really good and i fuck with their tunes. theres been quite a few artists ive found when i wake up when i play music throughout the night. if memory serves, i think this is how i found stef chura, charly bliss, and illuminati hotties. actually i think its how i found tokyo tea room too. im listening to them right now. listening to their newest album “no rush” and so far i dig. but per usual, im gonna need a few more listens before im really into it. i wish i could be into new music sooner though. id be able to expand my music taste more easily so im less likely to get sick of the same few artists on repeat.

time to go bite the bed bugs. o7

2025 Aug 15

turns out roller blading is actually really hard. i had some really old skates, probably 15+ years old and have been sitting, sad and unused, in a garage for much of that time. they werent a fan of being awoken from their slumber. we rode along the JRT, probably a little over 3 miles before turning back. after another 1.5-2 miles or so, they decided to say fuck you. the wheels just gave up. they were rubber and they just started melting and deforming, they didnt even want to roll anymore. so we just walked the rest of the way. i did try his blades out though, his brand new ones. theyre sketchy as hell dude, they just glide. i dont know how to stop. i got a little cocky and went fast and then ended up in the weeds

we went to a restaurant called the med afterwards. he really likes it, ive never heard of it. as the name implies, its mediterranean cuisine. the food was good, i got a mediterranean lasagna. but i loved the atmosphere. its a little mom and pop restaurant but its decorated so cozy. it has a very chill, romantic vibe to it. i think it would be the perfect spot to go on a date. reminds me of something i wouldve taken a date to before a school dance. it was so nice, but not over the top. wasnt even very pricey either.

also went to iceberg for shakes afterwards. finally got the mint shake i was craving and it was splendid, so good. ive never been to iceberg before, this was a first. not very pricey either, yet it was probably the best mint shake ive ever had. after this we went to murray park. its probably about 9:30-10 pm at this point. we just walked around, hung out. not many people there except for at the pool, they were doing a movie night. i dont know what movie but it kinda looked like cloudy with a chance of meatbollocks. as we were heading back to the car we found a hill. pretty good size hill, perfect for taking kids sledding. my inner child was screaming to be let free. i obliged and let him go. somersaulted down the hill thrice. it was really sketchy because i was going so fast that i was catching air. worth it. shouldve done it some more.

good times. im home alone. hopefully i havent doxxed myself enough for you creepers (all 0 of you reading this, probably) to find me and come adultnap me. my parents went to our property and took kennedy with as well, so i have the whole house to myself. tomorrow and sunday im watching my sisters dog but hes like me and keeps to himself most of the time. i love being home alone. im sitting in my kitchen, lights off save for a lamp, listening to more night tapes. have i ever mentioned how good nights tapes is, especially for chill nights like these? im quite happy. after this i might just hang out on the patio.

apparently i shouldnt have installed my sway bar yet guys. i have been played a fool. by who? me. its always me. when i ordered the bar i also got end links. i didnt really know what end links were but they were recommended to be bought along side the bar, so naturally i bought them. well my bar came i think 2 weeks ago now and i installed it last week. my end links came 2 or 3 days ago. apparently the things i installed with the sway bar were, in fact, not end links. how silly of me. they werent even at the end. they were just bushings. so ill probably replace the links tomorrow. i learned its reommended to replace the links too because the stock links are plastic, which is fine for a stock bar, but with a beefier bar, the links may snap. so the end links i got are metal. theyre actually stock accord links which is interesting. why do accords get metal links but civic sis, which are sportier cars, dont? dont ask me, im no engineer. yet. dont ask me when im an engineer through because i still wont know the answer. unless i google it. i could probably get the answer via google. but thats way too much effort. who has the time to press a few keys on a keyboard? couldnt be me.

that it folks. tune in tomorrow at whatever time i feel like writing. bye now.

2025 Aug 14

whats up whats up what the fucks up dennys

someone on my team at work keeps messing up our hipot tester. we have presets for different voltages. ive given them specific, written instructions on how to recall different presets. yet somehow they keep storing/overwriting presets. driving me nuts, dudes. doesnt seem theres any practical way to fix it either other than really drilling it into them. but i want a more foolproof solution. thinking of maybe testing out a microcontroller that we can use to switch between presets very easily while being able to lock them out of storing/overwriting. i dont know much about microcontrollers though, but id like to learn. im going into embedded systems, after all. im not sure if the tester has a serial port though, i have to wait til monday to see.

went on a short bike ride today, i think about 8 miles round trip to my sisters house. just went there to steal my brother in laws roller blades that he probably hasnt touched in a decade at least. i think i used them a bit last year and it was fun. roller blading is so much fun. my friend wants to roller blade the JRT tomorrow and im pretty excited. ive never really roller bladed anywhere its always been either in a driveway/patio or at classic. i wanna go ice skating. i havent been in too many years. i think 2 or 3 years ago i impulsively said im gonna go ice skating. so i hopped in my beloved ’99 subie impreza outback (i miss you cornelius) and drove to the rec center. i asked to go skate. they said gtfo theres figure skating practice on right now. so sad. i shouldve checked the schedule before going. i never ended up going back. so its probably been 5-6 years since i last went. ice skating is so much fun. im kinda ass but im okay enough to skate without needing to hang out for dear life on the rail.

lately ive been falling asleep to music, usually some chill indie mix (usually TOPS mix). last night was no different. woke up this morning to tokyo tea room. banger. listened to them a bit more and theyve got some pretty groovy tunes. shagadelic, baby. i gotta listen them some more. right now im listening to strongboi. listened to their entire discography last night, at least whatevers on spotify. theyre actually better than i thought. i think theres 2 songs i dont like: their first 2, strongboi and honey thighs. strongboi, the song, just has a different sound a feel to it. and honey thighs just has a weird, distinct sound in it that i just dont like. for some reason it reminds me of cbat but i listened to cbat and theres not really a resemblance. im not really sure, i just dont like the sound of it. other than that theyre all slappers. good stuff. also listening to more night tapes too. i absolutely adore the dreamy vibe to their music. its actually perfect music for a chill late night out.

im quite hungry. i just havent been feeling like eating much lately and its kinda scaring me. i havent lost weight, at least nothing significant. but i worry i might. im already too skinny. usually i ate a lot. i never counted calories but i dont think its uncommon for me to reach or exceed my RDI. im pretty certain ive been eating at a deficit these last couple weeks though. mornings are when i like to get my big boy calories in, but i just havent been able to stomach anything in the mornings before work. my tum tum just feels icky. i dont know why. i thought it was maybe just due to sleep deprivation, but my mom suggested maybe its acid reflux or something. well anyway, since i havent been eating in the mornings, i get to work starving. i dont have much to eat at work, i just chow on some peanuts during my breaks. then i come home and find something to eat but i have such low appetite, not much sounds very good. so i end up not eating much. so far today i had 3 string cheeses, a few small handfuls of peanuts, and then some fries from freddys my mom gave me. its almost 9 pm now. im starving. i think when im done writing ill go make me a couple grilled cheeses, those sound good. i make some killer grilled cheeses, according to me. grannys delight sprouted wheat bread, butter (fine… margarine), couple slices of pepper jack, and sliced pickles, cooked on medium low. perfection. im getting hungrier thinking about it.

idk what to do for food yet for when i start at the U next monday. my m-th schedule is school, straight to work, then home. gone for about 12 hours each day, give or take. during the last 2 semesters i ate 2 chicken salad sandwiches almost every day i had classes, in between work and school. so 3 days a week, 5-6 sandwiches. im a little tired of them but i think i can still keep grinding them out. theyre super easy. i just throw a couple pieces of chicken in the instant pot, shred the chicken, dump in my seasons and condiments, mix, and all done. probably 15-20 minutes hands on work. i might do the same because its easy and probably nutritious. but this time itll be 4 days a week, not 3. maybe ill get sick of it, we’ll see. i definitely want to keep fast food to a minimum for sake of money and health.

school is going to suck. i think this will be my hardest semester yet. maybe it wont be so bad especially if i have enough time to work on homework on the clock at work. just dont tell my boss. my boss will barely see me (she leaves at 3:30 and im gonna work swing shift) so im not worried about her finding out. ill make sure to get my work done first, of course, but even right now i get a lot of free time that i stress to find something to do to keep myself busy. but with no one there, whose gonna stop me from slamming out assignments? regardless this semester is still probably going to be a nightmare. im already burnt out. its 4 classes. its a new school that ill need to adjust to. wish me luck.

cs2420, intro to algorithms and structures will probably be fairly easy. just a java programming class. i havent touched java in i think 3 years now, but it should be easy to pick back up. its similar to c# and i picked that up no problem 9 months ago. but apparently all assignments require pair coding. i need to work with a partner on every god damn assignment. could be a nightmare or could be a blessing depending on who i get stuck with.

ece3500/3505 signals and systems/lab will probably be pretty difficult. however they recently combined the full signals course with circuits ii, so a lot of material is probably cut out, and ive already taken circuits ii. so a lot of it should be review. hopefully it wont be too bad. i took a peak at the 2017 signals labs and im not sure how difficult theyll be but they seem heavy on the matlab and i love matlab so maybe theyll be okay. i used to hate matlab but then i embraced it and i grew to love it. i havent used it for very many complex purposes though. 90% of the time im either using it as a literal general calculator or to solve systems of equations. solving systems of equations by hand is such a tedious task. theyre super easy but when you have a system with 3+ equations it gets pretty nasty. i just throw my equations in matlab and let it do all the work. so much quicker and less error prone. blows my mind that students in my cohort have gone through 3 circuits classes, which are very systems heavy, yet still solve every single system by hand like fucking masochists.

quest whatever idrk, some philosophy or creative thinking class i probably wont put too much effort into. should be fairly easy. probably speaking too soon though.

lastly, math3150 i think it is, PDEs for engineers. its only 2 credit hours but i hear its the same amount of work as a 3-4 credit hour class. very deceiving and very difficult. but ive always enjoyed math and DEs are pretty cool. i took a combined ODE/linear algebra class and i did well and enjoyed it. PDEs will undoubtedly be more difficult than ODEs but im sure ill be fine.

do i say fuck too much? i notice i use it a lot when writing. i like it, its a good word. or good bad word. i dont swear much in person unless im with someone else who swears a lot. except for my parents. my parents, at least my mom, swear a lot. i rarely swear in front of them. dont think ive ever blurted the fuck word around them.

oker doker its grillin time, thumbs up

2025 Aug 13

am so tired. but am writing because i love it. i think a little too much honestly. but it fine.

i thought i had so much to write about. but now i got nothing. probably because im on the brink of passing out. i had more to talk about the concert

(nap time)

good morning, i say 4 hours later. told you i was tired.

allergies suck. i think i have summer allergies worse than spring. last few weeks ive blown my nose soooo many times and its always so itchy. usually its pretty tame during the day, but morning and nights, but especially mornings, kinda suck. every morning i probably need to blow my nose like 10 times. i am a very noisy nose blower. my parents always say im playing the trumpet every time i blow. i cant help it bro, im sorry. theyre just forceful. i cant even use tissues because i just blow holes right through them. i need to use a nice, sturdy napkin, and even then its not unheard of for me to blow right through those too. am i being tmi rn? sorry not sorry

i remember now what i was going to talk about, about the concert. synths. i love synths. both sets had synths, but strongbois was more pronounced and had a cooler sound to it. it was a dual sided synth which i thought was neat. on one side it was a double decker (idk the proper terminology, im not a musician) and thats where the synth guy was playing. the other side was just a single keyboard and alice would play it sometimes. sometimes all 3 keyboards were being played at once at it was very cool to hear. men i trust was a little more tame on the synth. thats not a bad thing, of course. i just love synth sounds so i think thats another reason i think i enjoyed strongbois set a little more. i really really wanna see magdalena bay live. theyre very heavy on the synths. i think it was pinkpantheress that got me more into the synth sound, then through her i found magdalena bay and i fell in love with the sound. theyre the ones that inspired to buy that cheap MIDI player that ive barely touched lol. TOPS has a pretty good synth sound too, I really wanna see them. the synth solo at 2:30 on pirouette is orgasmic, so beautiful. but you gotta listen to the whole song to get the build up. TOPS is coming but its on a weeknight :( . honestly i could probably just take the day off from work. i have plenty of sick leave. maybe ill do that. its september 8 so its pretty early in the semester too so it shouldnt be too stressful. its at the urban lounge too which ive been to once and it was a nice chill venue. i mean it was a death metal concert i went to so it was far from chill, but overall the venue seems pretty chill and relaxed. its probably the smallest venue ive been to, and ive mentioned before i love love love small concerts. i think that was the last death metal concert i went to alone. i tried moshing for a bit but i got worn out very quick so i ended up heading to the back. hung out near the merch line and they had a tip jar that i thought was funny, ill post it here.

i really wish i had what it takes to play music. ive just never been able to. i think i need lessons. obviously i dont really have the time nor mental capacity for that right now. maybe after i graduate ill try to pick up something. i like synths because theyre so versatile and they sound so cool, but also it might be hard to learn as a first instrument since it is so versatile. we’ll see, yeah? i doubt ill ever make music professionally, but it would still be cool to have as a hobby, making some cool sounding tracks here and there. i cant sing worth shite though. im so sorry to anyone whose every heard me sing. i sing all the time but only when im alone. a few times ive recorded myself singing just to hear what i sound like and fuuuuuuuck i dont think ive ever cringed at myself harder. i have awful range and a voice not built for vocals. although i think covid is partially to blame. i got covid twice, 8 months apart, and they wrecked my vocals and i havent fully recovered. im not sure if its normal or not but i have a “blind spot” when i sweep through sound frequency. side note, idk if its tone or pitch that is the correct word musically speaking, so im just saying frequency because i know that works too. when i sweep, usually starting from a low frequency, theres a fairly wide range where im mute, i cant make any sound. i never did this test pre-covid so i cant verify how much has changed, if at all, but im pretty certain i used to be able to hit some higher notes than im no longer able to. its okay, i never intended to be a vocalist anyway.

i dont listen as much but i used to listen to a lot more orchestral music. i was a massive nightwish fan. theyre symphonic metal and theyve been around since late 90s. my spotify wrapped from 2024 was mostly them. they were my top artist and my top 5 songs were all from them…. all from the same album even lol. all of their albums, save for their first (angels fall first) are phenomenal. but i had also gotten a little but into actually classical music too. although i was never a huge fan of the softer, slower tempos. i think im mostly an allegro kinda guy. i had a wild experience listening to classical on mushrooms though. my first real trip. i think it was 2g which a fairly light dose but enough to feel the psychedelic effects. i was originally planning on it being a silent trip. but on the come up i had a very strong urge to listen to music. so i put my buds in and put on a classical mix. i think it was a spotify curated one so it was generally stuff id be more into although i didnt know the majority of the pieces. what a time, dude. i dont know if it makes sense but the best way i have to describe it is i went from listening to the music to becoming the music. the music was me, i was the music. it was my soundtrack. absolutely incredible. my mood and thoughts were heavily influenced by the music. different pieces felt like different chapters. some were calm and relaxing, some were loud and grandiose. the most memorable one was “irony foundry” by alexander mosolov. probably the heaviest classical pieces ive ever heard. i dont even know how to describe how it made me feel. ill just say it was wild. there was a point though, during the come down, where one of the pieces ended and it felt like my trip was over at that point. it was a slower piece. to me, it felt like something theyd play at the end of a movie. it was the end of my movie. as soon as that song was over, my mind knew it was done. trip over, go home. okay i was home, but you get it. just overall absolutely incredible experience. something id love to try again but i dont think ill be able to experience that same thing again. but maybe, who knows.

another cool experience i had, sober, was listening to nightwish with my planar magnetic headphones. hifiman sundaras and a fiio amp, i dont remember the model of the amp and im too lazy to go look. they were pretty new to me at the time. nightwishs newest album, yesterwynde, is a very very good album that leans pretty heavy into the orchestration. i had already listened to the album probably over a dozen times by this point. then i put it on while doing my homework one time, probably back in february or march or something this year. one of the best music listening experiences ive had. that was the time where my opinion of that album changed from “pretty good” to “other worldly”. even though i was focused on homework, i was still very into the music too and i was blown away. the headphones definitely amplified the experience, but i think i wouldve had a similar experience with some dirty buds (iykyk). i havent listened to nightwish much anymore, i am slightly burnt out from listening to them so much last year, but theyll forever be one of the most special bands to me. at least i think they will be. i cant speak for future me. on a few of their albums theyve released instrumental only versions too which ive listened to many a time as well. but yeserwynde was the first one that they released an orchestral version instead of instrumental (instrumental still had the guitars and drums and whatnot) and i am 100% for it. i love it.

i think nightwish would be cool to see live, but probably not to die for unless they play with a live orchestra. i dont think they have every played with a live orchestra. dont quote me on this but i think they replace the orchestral sounds with synthesizers and/or they just play the pre-recorded symphonic parts. not sure. theyre studio music is recorded with a real orchestra though. septicflesh, a symphonic death metal band did perform with a live orchestra once. 2019 in mexico city if memory serves. they released it as an album (infernus sinfonica) and the entire concert was video recorded as well. holy shit. absolutely wild. absolute perfection. they had a full orchestra with them. i cant imagine the time and effort that was put into organizing it. and it sounds SO good. massive respect to everyone involved there. good work team. god tier work.

das it. time to go soak myself in some water and soap and see if im able to fall asleep again after my nap. wish me luck. thank you for wishing me luck.

p.s. holy crap dude. i just learned septciflesh did an infernus sinfonica ii????????? february this year???? how tf did i not know this???? dude that is so cool. im so jealous of everyone who got to attend. ill go in massive debt to see that shit live. words cannot express how sick that would be. okay thats all, thank you for coming to my p.s.

2025 Aug 12

i found where all the traffic is at midnight on a tuesday. its all at in n out. why? beats me.

please forgive me for i am breaking the rules. it is currently 12:19 am on august 13.

concert was pretty sweet, as expected. although mildly disappointing somehow? i think it was mostly the crowd, they were kinda annoying. i feel like i enjoyed strongbois set more even though i havent listened to them as much nor do i like them as much as men i trust. neither bands were super interactive but strongboi was a little more interactive i think. but i liked their setup better. everyone was close together and they were all lit up. mit had everyone spread out across the stage and emma got the majority of the spotlight. both were very good though, i had a fun time.

during strongbois set i was simultaneously uncomfortable and comfortable? it was weird. this girl standing next to me keep rubbing up against me, constantly. its a GA concert, you are going to touch other people. thats just the nature of it. i do honestly find that fun sometimes too, but maybe thats my mosh brain speaking. but she had no care man. she was a little too comfortable with that much contact with a stranger lol. made me uncomfortable because… yknow… theres a stranger rubbing up against me. but also, you know me… im pretty touch starved. so it was kind of comforting in a way. i want to note i was not trying to keep physical contact with her, in fact i tried to prevent it from happening because it was kinda weird, but i didnt really have anywhere else to go so it was what it was.

i accidentally spilled water on someone. im sorry to whoever that was. they were passing water bottles around the crowd but for some reason they took the caps off? thats pretty weird. i didnt realize this so i went to pass it on and i tipped it and spilled it all over the girl behind me. so sorry. she didnt seem to mind. i dont understand why they took the caps off though. someone said its so people dont throw the caps…. what???? that doesnt make sense, ill just throw the crush up bottle instead, thatll do more damage. besides, whats stopping someone from spiking the drink before passing it off? feels pretty sketch to me.

a 50 minute drive feels like a long time to me. but apparently a 50 minute train ride just flies by. both to and from the venue, the 50 minutes felt like 20. thats interesting.

i was really craving a mint shake. why does no one sell mint shakes at midnight????? seems like the only places that sell mint shakes are closed at midnight. so i settled for a burger and strawberry shake at in n out. it was good but left more to be desired. i still crave a mint shake. why is in n out so busy at midnight? on a tuesday no less. there was probably 10-15 people in the queue when i pulled up.

the drive home was beautiful. it always is after concerts. its dark out and theres no traffic. it was a perfect temperature too. had my windows down. put on some night tapes. very nice drive. almost wish it was longer. but now im home, way after my bedtime by an hour and 34 minutes, writing this. im tired. sorry for no concert pics, i dont do those. nighty :):):)

2025 Aug 11

how are you?

fine, thank you

dawg remember when i said if i were you id put money on me being happier after finals? hope you didnt listen. last few days ive just been in a slump. havent wanted to do anything. feeling even lonelier. i hung out with my friend last night up in his “secret” hideout spot in big cottonwood canyon. it was very nice and chill and quiet. he is also lonely, probably moreso than me. he was telling me about this thing called cuddle comfort. apparently you can just meet up with randos to cuddle. thats wild to me. i mean im not trying to judge, but it just feels weird to me. maybe its because i get attached too easily. i dont think i could just meet up with someone just to cuddle. that feels awkward to me, but also i dont even know if id feel comfortable cuddling someone i wasnt romantically involved with. to each their own, though. if it works for some people, thats great.

cant believe ive been skimping out on clairo too. my ex used to listen to her, but i never really got into it. her and i had a very incompatible music taste at the time. it was just too slow and calm. as of late, past few months, ive been leaning more and more into that kinda music. finally gave her a shot. i heard the song amoeba from her like a week ago or something and i really dug it. but then last night i listened to all 3 of her albums. they were very good, especially sling. immunity was my least favorite mostly because there was a couple songs on there that i just couldnt vibe with, they had a very different feel to them. i listened to the most recent one, charm, and it was pretty good too although thats the one i ended up falling asleep to so i cant say i got a full listen in. maybe again tonight.

who took the bomp from the bompalompalomp?

maybe the concert tomorrow will help get out of this funk. im so excited. even though im not very social myself, i enjoy being in social environments often. thats why the day of my second entry i went to school instead of staying home. staying home all alone is kinda depressing. so i went to school and just hung out. didnt talk to anyone, but having others present was nice. i enjoy going to concerts alone. at least compared to experiences at concerts that i went with others to. i think theres only one concert i went to that i didnt go to with my immediate family, and it was a concert for bands i had never heard of nor really cared for. i just feel awkward at concerts with my family. going to concerts alone is nice because its guaranteed music i like, i can come and go as i please, and i feel like i can be more myself strangely enough. i dont remember if ive mentioned it before or not but i struggle to be “myself” around people i know. i have a slightly different personality for everyone. i tend to mimic their energy, behavior, and speech patterns. its not a conscious effort, its just what i do and what i know. maybe its the annoying people pleaser trait i have. or maybe its a form of masking. i really dont know. but when im alone, obviously i dont really have to worry about that. even though im around people, theyre just strangers. i make it sound like i go crazy lol. i really dont, i just sit there, bob my head, whoo when appropriate. i still stay pretty lowkey, i dont attract attention to myself. but im just not worried about “putting on a show” for whoever im with. like i feel embarrassed whooing or throwing my hands up or moshing or something when im with someone. but like i said, maybe its because ive pretty much only gone to concerts with family. i really dont know. i just dont really have anyone else to go with, especially since no one i know really listens to the same kinda music i do.

small, GA venues are far superior. i remember all the talk about usana vs maverick vs delta and all that when i was younger. those were the only venues i knew of and had been to. i never really enjoyed concerts too much back then either. but then i went to my first small venue GA concert. it was a blast. it was also the first concert i went to with someone besides family. it was at the union. lots of fun, for sure. but then i started going to concerts alone, exclusively to small venues. and holy shit brother that was life changing. i dont know if i even care to go to a large venue anymore. small ones are where its at. such a funner, more energetic atmosphere. you dont have to stay confined to one spot like you do at seated concerts. get as close or as far as you want. free for all. i love it. i usually get there when the doors open too so i can usually get pretty close up too. never lucky enough to get to the rail, but usually im 1-2 “rows” behind.

turns out without school music is whats on my mind. neat. have i ever mentioned i love music? i wonder if being picky about music is either hindering my love for music or is a consequence of it. i struggle to really get into artists. i often go back to the same ones until i get sick of them. all the time. i also frequently worry that when i find a new band im obsessed with that theyre peak. that im never going to find anything better. i was like this recently with magdalena bay. phenomenal band (well, duo). i was absolutely obsessed. i didnt think it got much better than them. made me sad. i knew my music taste would change eventually and my sadness is irrational, but theres just something about finding a band so good that you dont know if youll ever find something better.

who took the ram from the ramalamadingdong?

usually i dont think about it, but sometimes ill realize how fast im typing. probably contributes to all the mistakes i make when writing (sorry). i just noticed it again so i was curious. went to monkeytype, went to the words test and set it to a 100 words. thats always the benchmark i use. 110 wpm with 96% accuracy. i think my best ever was 114 wpm with like 99% or maybe even 100%. i enjoy typing. i was the top typist in my 8th grade typing class. i remember i broke my arm during that class, so i could only type with one hand. yet i still had a faster speed than everyone there. my teacher bought be a 2 liter root beer and a giant twix bar for being the top in the class. thank you mrs brighton, very based.

i feel ashamed. yesterday i listed out the few male fronted bands that ive been enjoying recently. and i left out demob happy. theyre so good. reminds me a lot of alice in chains, particularly in the later days, circa tripod. very modern grunge feeling. great band. i think alice in chains was probably the band i have obsessed the most over. that was probably 3-4 years ago. i was never a huge grunge guy but alice in chains was to die for. i knew every single layne-era song (i think) including ones that were never released or their weird demo stuff from before facelift. i was very invested in laynes story. was pretty depressing. sad to see just how negatively heroin and drugs in general can affect someone. rest easy, king.

uhhhhh thats bout it. i dont have much more to talk about right now. its 7:11 pm, i have 4 hours before i need to sleep. what should i do? maybe ill go on a bike ride. probably not actually. i dont feel like it. ill find something. im going to try not rotting in bed this time.

see you later

2025 Aug 10

what am i to do with myself with no school to occupy my brain? usually right now id be doing nothing while procrastinating. but now i cant procrastinate, im just doing nothing. maybe i should i figure out financial aid, apply for the pell grant or something. im just tired. slept about 10 hour last night. woke up with no obligations, which was nice, but kinda makes me feel lazy. it was hard to even get out of bed without anything to commit to. i am going to go on a short hike with my friend later tonight, somewhere in big cottonwood.

hes a good friend, although lately ive been feeling burnt out even from our friendship. this is probably why i struggle to keep friends. we met a year ago during a physics lab. i sat in the corner all alone, then she showed up and all the empty tables were taken so he came and sat next to the other loner, me. turns out we both share a lot of the same social traits. were both quite awkward and socially anxious. after the semester ended, he reached out and suggested we go on a hike. so we did. and thats that lol. thats usually what we do when we hang out. either hike, bike, or just walk around. hes the one that introduced me to the fungal supplements. weve gotten fairly close and we both share a love for science. im not sure why im really getting burn out with him though. hell text me and ill take hours, sometimes days to respond because i just dont feel up to it. i thought maybe it was just the stress of school. but im not sure. i feel bad. i feel like a bad friend. he does seem very understanding though, which is good. i appreciate him for that. i think maybe i get burnt out because hes kind of depressive. hes a fair bit older than me, in his mid 30s, and hes struggled with family and relationships for a long time. hes come to be used to it, but hes still pretty depressed. i think that just takes a toll on me too. i dont think im really depressed; i think exhausted is more applicable. so sometimes when were talking and hes talking about sad stuff, it makes me feel kinda low too.

why is making and keep friends so hard? outside of work and school, i have like 3 friends. one is the aforementioned one, and the other 2 are ones i met back in jr high. one of them i dont talk to much, once every few months or longer. occasionally well meet up and hang out for bit. the other one i talk with every couple weeks although we dont hang out often. last time we hung out was in december when we went to wendover. which is funny because neither of us drink, smoke, or gamble. we went for a restaurant and then we went and explored some abandoned buildings and mobile homes. her and i get along very well, we have very similar senses of humor. my family keeps pushing me to ask her out though which is pretty irritating because ive told them no countless times. she told me she used to have a huge crush on me back in school, but ive never really felt any sense of romantic or sexual attraction towards her. and ive told me family that. but they dont get it. even my progressive sister and brother in law. my mom said something that really bothered me though. for context, my said friend is black. my mom didnt know this until i think about 2 years ago. she told me “i didnt know she was black!”. i know she didnt mean it in any offensive or racist manner, but it was still weird to me. thats not the part that really bothered me though. my mom straight up told me i should date her so we can have kids because she thinks black babies are cute and she would love “little black babies running around”. are you fucking kidding me? thats so weird dude. i was totally taken aback by that. she even said this after ive clearly told her that im not into her. and she also knows i really dont want kids, i never have. i still think back to that often. it just kinda… grosses me out, what my mom said.

apparently i have attractive hands? i thought my hands were normal. i remember back in highschool i sent a picture to my friend that had my hand in it. i didnt think anything of it. but she said some weird stuff about my hands lol. not sexually, at least i think, but basically just saying i have nice hands. okay whatever, one person is kind of an anomaly i guess. well a couple years ago we were hanging out in jordan landing and she took a picture of me. that sounds weird, but shes just a huge picture taker, she loves taking pictures of everywhere she goes. well this picture didnt have my face, it was mostly my arms and hands. she ended up posting the picture on instagram. and 2 of the comments were about my hands. i dont recall what they said in verbatim, but it was something like “whose hands?” and then….. “man hands in my mouth”. bro wtf. lol. little weird but frankly im kinda flattered. i dont get whats so nice about my hands. maybe theyre just well defined compared to many others. i have no idea. maybe theyre just anomalies too. but ill take the W.

i sometimes wonder what life would be like if i never deleted my social media 5 years ago. has it hurt my chances at dating? has it hurt my ability to connect with other people? i dont know. i originally deleted everything for the desire of privacy and an added benefit of less doomscrolling and garbage media consumption. ive never really felt the pull to go back. ive gotten so used to a life without, but also it feels weird starting from scratch again for some reasons.

i used to love instagram. feed wise, i mostly followed meme pages. i was a teen, after all. but my profile was majorly photography. for a few years i was pretty into photography, particularly nature. i had/have a nice canon camera that id take lot of pics with. then id edit them in a pirated copy photoshop and upload to instagram. that was my passion at the time. eventually i kinda grew out of it. ive fantasized about getting back into but never really put forth the effort to do so. i think i had like 300 followers or something. although what i was most popular for was a meme someone made about a comment i made on another meme. i cant find the exact picture, but i think it was a cartoon caricature of a coach yelling at a player and his uvula was flailing about. i believe it was an anti-meme / bone hurting juice and the caption was something like “what is this thing in the back of my throat??”. im probably way off on that but thats my best guess. anyway, i commented saying “aint that just his uterus or some shit”. apparently that was pretty funny to people. people made that into a meme and i got like 150 followers out of it. then over the next year there was this one guy that would always comment “aint that just his uterus or some shit” on every single one of my posts. good times.

i think i ruined my laptop speakers the other day. apparently it wasnt a fan of full volume. it was friday morning before i went to school to take my finals. i was in my kitchen listening to some hype music (sophie powers) on full blast. its a laptop so it wasnt crazy loud or anything, but it was a good volume. i ended up carrying my laptop with me around the house while i got ready for the day. not even sure why, it wouldve been easier to just stream from my phone. well yesterday i went to go listen to something and the left speaker goes wub wub wub wub when i play any audio, even at the minimum volume. rip. lesson learned, i guess. its still functional, its just distorted and rattley and sounds awful. im not sure how hard it would be to fix/replace. its a macbook air, and apple is notorious for making things difficult to fix (cue louis rossmann).

igorrr is so good. ashamed that i skipped out on them years ago. i think theyre considered avant garde/experimental metal. very interesting and unique sounds. i heard one of theirs songs referred to as “industrial death polka”. fitting, actually. i had heard of them years ago and i was interested, sure, but i could never get into them very much. well the other day i was bored going through spotifys recommended music and i heard a clip of “blastbeat falafel”. instantly hooked. god damned banger dude. ended up listening to more of their music and its actually so good. an avant garde band i used to be huge into is stolen babies. it feels very circusy to me. probably because they have lots of circus/carnie themes. weird how that works

i dont know why but im mostly into female fronted music. i used to listen to primarily male fronted, but then shortly after the break up (side note: apparently the breakup was a drastic turning point in my life) i began exploring different kind of music and found myself jamming out more to music with primarily female vocals. i dont know if its just because i simply vibe to it better or if the roots go deeper, perhaps as an allusion to my loneliness. i still listen to male fronted music though, just not as much. some notable artists as of recent are almost monday, igorrr, joywave, logic (although hes more of a nostalgia factor). turns out theres not as many as i thought. is that weird? i mean i like what i like, i like whatever sounds good to my ears. and i just struggle to enjoy much male fronted music anymore, at least outside of bands i already like.

do you ever have a song thats been stuck in your head for years? theres one thats been stuck in my head for at least 3 years. at the very least, i frequently say/sing one line from the song. “shugga wugga bah, southwest voodoos in the haugh, wicked voodoo joker killer, magic, dark magic”, but especially the “shugga wugga bah” part. southwest voodoo by ICP. i think that lyric/partial-lyric has made itself known at least once a day for years. literally every day, im not joking. i think its permanent at this point. ill never forget it. i get to live with clown music constantly playing in my head. i guess thats fine, i like clown music. i like a few ICP albums but great milenko is the one i always go back to. fantastic album.

sometimes i miss my long hair. i got lots of compliments on it. but i think i like it better short now. maybe one day ill grow it out. biggest reason i cut it was because it was constantly in my face so i usually kept it in a ponytail. i didnt really look that good with a ponytail. besides, it felt pointless to have long hair if it was always going to be in a ponytail. i had long hair for about 4 years and then i cut it last december. i think i made a good decision. im much more basic though, i stand out even less now. that could be a good thing, i dont like being center of attention usually. but i am also just bored with my style. i think i just look like a generic young white dude. i kinda just wear jeans/shorts and a plain/mostly plain t-shirt. its simple, gets the job done. its just boring. maybe one day ill find something i like better. ive always wanted to get some tattoos but i never know what. i struggle to want to commit to anything. i worry im going to stop liking the tattoo after a while. ive also wanted a nose piercing. id probably look weird with one. but maybe not, wont know until i try it. im specifically most interested in a nostril hoop, but then one with the devils horns, or arrowheads, whatever you wanna call them. but turns out its heavily recommended to have a stud piercing for at least 6 months before going to hoops. is hoop the right word? idk, you get the point. part of me worries ill struggle to get an engineering job with a nose piercing though. maybe thats fine. maybe the jobs that arent accepting of that are jobs i dont want to be apart of anyway. maybe when i can secure a good engineering gig i can do it. surely they wont fire me for getting a piercing. right? hopefully not. is that even legal? point is, im just bored with my style. but do i even want to put forth the effort to change it up? my current style is easy and low maintenance. and lord knows how lazy i am.

turns out ive been writing for over two hours. goodness gracious. i think the saying goodness gracious is so funny. i should probably be done. im just bored. nothing to really do until i meet with my friend later. i should be productive.

toodles!

2025 Aug 09

nailed it. aced my circuits final. i actually might get an A in this class which would be sick. both circuits i and ii have had some design project where we have to find some design and view it from an engineering perspective. we need to decide the metrics and whether or not its a good design and things like that. i only did a little bit of them, i never did the full project. thats largely why i got a B- and B in those classes. this semester had something kind of similar, except instead of a project it was just a few mini assignments where we analyzed something and wrote about it. something like that, idrk. i didnt do any of them. despite this, i might still get an A, but A- minimum. so thats pretty cool.

finally got around to installing my new sway bar today. took about 2 hours or so. not too bad, hardest part was breaking this one nut free. thank god for pb blaster. took it on a test spin around some roundabouts and its quite noticeably different. handles better, although there is a lot more understeer as everyone said. i only replaced the rear sway bar. maybe one day ill replace the front sway bar. this will increase handling even more and reduce understeer. would be cool.

also had a small barbecue with my moms team from work. it was just her boss, her coworker, and her coworkers wife. it was alright but honestly i wouldve rather just been alone doing my own thing. its definitely partly because of introversion and social anxiety. but also ive thought about it some and i think i just dont like socializing with new people around my family. it feels so awkward. i cant really explain why. it just makes me uncomfortable. i think i interact with new people much better and much more openly if family isnt present. is that normal? i wonder why im like this.

i really hate being answered for all the time. my parents are really good at this. someone asks me a question and someone else has to chime in and answer for me. all the time. why cant they just let me answer? ive been wondering if this is partly why im not very social, particularly around my family. because they frequently just answer for me so i feel less need to talk. just a hypothesis. it just annoys me. i also get talked over a lot which is another hypothesis as to why im just so non social.

frankly it kinda freaks me out when i can see someone is actively listening to me and not interrupting me; they give me the full stage. its definitely nice, but im so not used to it that its also kind of uncomfortable for that reason. heres another hypothesis for you. i fumble my words around a lot when telling stories and get mixed things up. maybe its because since i get talked over so much that i feel i always need to tell my stories faster so i can get it all in before they start talking. and of course, speeding up leads to more mistakes. theres been many times where im telling a story to my mom and shell interrupt me multiples times to tell me how slow i am and that im giving her unnecessary details. just makes me feel bad. maybe thats another reason i like doing this (writing) so much because it gives me freedom to just speak my mind totally uninterrupted. i have time to collect my thoughts without stressing that im losing the other person or irritating them because im taking too long.

i often wish i had a relationship with my mom like i see many others have. id say we have a good relationship, but i just dont feel for my mom like i feel like should. im not even sure how to put it into words, im sitting here trying to think about how to. i feel like mild resentment might be appropriate. i dont really find her that funny. i dont really enjoy spending much time with her. i mentioned previously how im embarrassed being with her in public because shes a judgmental karen. i feel extra awful saying this, but if im being honest, i just dont see a strong, beautiful woman when i look at my mom. i do love my mom, but shes just not really someone i look up to. i aspire to be someone very different from her.

i feel guilty for feeling this way. i feel i should have a stronger connection with her. i feel im the reason i dont. but can i really blame myself for feeling this way? its just a gut feeling. i dont know if its something i can even really change. i think ultimately it is resentment thats been gradually growing over the years. as i get older i feel less and less connected to her and i find myself feeling more and more annoyance towards her.

i have lots of thoughts and feelings zooming around. theyre all going too fast for me to catch one. i want to write about them, but theres so much going on that i dont even know how to articulate them.

mom, if you somehow stumble upon this… i love you, i promise i love you. im sorry i feel the way i do. i think were just very different people. but maybe thats a good thing. maybe its a sign i am my own person, independent of external influences enough to form my own thoughts and opinions about life and nature.

i love trees. i wish we had more of them in utah. i want to take a trip to the pnw sometimes to see all the pretty trees and the gloomy weather. gloomy weather is so nice, although i will choose to believe people that say it sucks to live in for long periods of time. but i think it would be so nice if it were to just be dark and rainy for several days on end. i dream of sitting on a covered patio, light jacket keeping my warm, consistently gentle rain with no hint of easing up anytime soon, for hours. perhaps even cuddling with my partner. just chilling there. no commitment, no stress, no nothing. just pure serenity. one day. i mean honestly probably not if im being real, but one can dream. i dont day dream very often. at least i dont think.

i wonder how common aphantasia is. i could probably look it up. wheres the fun in that? i have aphantasia. maybe thats the reason i struggle to be artistic. im not how much correlation there is between creativity and pictorial magination, but intuitively they feel like they should be correlated. its wild to me that people can actually see images when they close their eyes and imagine something. to others im sure its weird that there are people that can imagine things but cant actually see them. while my artistic abilitys are greatly lacking, i can draw an apple. i know what apples look like. i know what they should look like. i just cant see an apple until i draw an apple. i dont know if that makes sense. the only times i remember seeing any sort of imagery were when i was on psilocybin. i think it was one of my first entries how i mentioned ive only had 3 actual trips. my first trip there was no imagery when i closed my eyes. during my second one, i remember seeing the color pink. hot pink. it was a room with absolutely nothing in it, just walls, floors, ceilings, and doorways. and everything was hotpink. it was a very weak image, but it was something. i also mentioned how the best part of my third trip was when my friend walked away and i was alone by the pond for a bit. during this short period, i had closed my eyes. i remember seeing something that vaguely represented a face. it was red (probably because i was facing the sun), and it had 2 eyes. for some reason when i think back to it i imagine the bloody mary image that youd get when you played the scary maze game back in the day. but it wasnt scary. it slowly approached me, eventually getting so close all i could see was red—no face anymore. then there was a pair of french doors that slowly opened and let white light in. after white light consumed my imagination, all was stagnant. nothing else. so i opened my eyes. overall, nothing very exciting about either imagery, but its interesting that i was able to actually see something with my eyes closed. makes me wonder if its something i can “train” in any way to be able to do sober. and i wonder if the strength of the imagery is proportional to dosage. id imagine it is. only experimentation will tell.

see ya later, skater

2025 Aug 08

anxious

london dispersion forces

two hours , tickity tockity

“poetry”

i have 2 hours before my final exam in chemistry. just got done writing my formula/note sheet to take with me into the dreaded testing center. i noticed a lot of times when i try to type “me” i end up typing “my”. i disagree with the rule that the sentence ending punctuation mark must always go inside the quotation marks. sometimes yes, sometimes no. but not always. example:1) “when will he say ‘lets go’?” vs 2) “when will he say ‘lets go?’” i think the second is technically correct but the first one conveys the message better. to me, the second one implies that he will say “lets go” questionably. tangent aside, im so hungry. i think ill scramble a couple of eggs before i head out. i cant focus when im hungry.

i have one more homework due in circuits, and its due today as soon as the final exam starts. im 3 quarters done with it, i have 2 problems left. they seemed like too much for my little cranium to handle last night so i left them for today. ill try to get them done in between exams. i should have enough time. if not, partial credit baby. thats fine. regardless if i turn this in or not i will pass this circuits class with the best grade out of all my circuits class. we call them circuits classes but i think analog circuits is more fitting. digital circuits is a whole nother beast. im planning on emphasizing in digital design for my degree.

this is my departure. i will see you again when the time comes. thats my cringe way of saying i will write more tonight, after the exams. thanks, buh bye

xX__interlude360noscope__Xx

welcome back, me. i made it. its over. holly loo yaw. went surprisingly well. i still feel i aced my circuits final. ezpz. ill miss his exams, theyre always wicked easy. he said hell have them graded by tomorrow night, so we’ll see how i did. my chemistry went well too. it was an online multiple choice exam so its already graded. 82% baby. thats perfectly fine with me. I think that puts me at an overall B in the class after everything else gets graded. W. And an A- in circuits.

after my chem exam i hung out with the boys again in the student center. finished my homework and still had 2 hours to spare. so we played a bit of ping pong on a table made for ants, some shuffleboard made for skilled professionals, and connect 4 made for bigfoots. thats all, nothing exciting. i used to play ping pong at work all the time, it was so much fun. i got pretty good at it. but then when id enter work tournaments i was quickly humbled, every time. but compared to when i started, i am leagues better. but then they moved us into a much smaller building, one with literally no room to put a ping pong table. smelly corporate taking away all our fun.

enough of school. thats like all ive talked about in a while. can you tell its been plaguing the thinking sphere of my brain space recently?

i had a very nice interaction today. made me feel happy. lowkey kinda pathetic, but it is what it is. after my chem exam i wanted some food. i just went and got some fast food. but as i was walking to my car in the beautiful, warm weather, i was approached by some girl my age. startled me a little bit, wasnt expecting it nor did i even see her at first. she walked up to me and asked for some directions on the campus. she got close to me and showed me her phone to show me where she needed to go. so i pointed her in the right direction and off she went. she was very sweet and very appreciative. it made me happy. if youve some of my previous entries, you may remember me talking about how i inherently feel unapproachable and that women are immediately threatened by me, even though this isnt true and there is no real reason i should even feel this is true. its a shell ive seemingly put myself into after the breakup. not even totally sure why i started feeling that way, or if the breakup was even the root cause of it. point of the story is, interactions like these make me feel better about myself. they help me realize that im not as bad as i make myself out to be sometimes and that my flawed understanding of society is, well, flawed.

apparently thats all. without school, i have littlle to talk about. am i really that boring?

thx

2025 Aug 07

bad news, everyone. no transfer student scholarship for me. i thought i was eligible. turns out i am in fact not eligible. why? because i transferred too many credits… ???????. thats so silly. apparently to qualify you need to transfer between 45-60 credits. i transferred 63…. i royally fucked myself dude. if i wouldve known this i wouldve not transferred my fallout credits before i enrolled. but clearly i didnt read in between the lines. i am frustrated at myself, but at the same time, why does it have to be 45-60 credits?? thats so strange to me.

this scholarship was going to be huge. like, half my tuition huge. $2500 per semester, not including summers. now im going to need to fork out 5-6 big ones every semester. thankfully its only 4 semesters, but thats still not very pretty. i only have like $12k in my account right now. if i quit my job, im done for. i can get a campus job but i think ill still be losing money working there. im barely coming out ahead in my current job making $23/hr 25 hrs a week. and i mentioned im dropping to 20 hours a week when the semester starts.

im going to try to apply for a pell grant again. i got denied last time because my parents made too much money during the tax year they were asking for. but a year after that tax year my mom didnt have a job so hopefully theyll accept me this time. if its not too late. i dont know the deadline. i need to get on top of my shit dude. this is what happens when you push things out to the last minute. you screw yourself in the bum.

worst case scenario, i can apply for a fafsa loan. if im not mistaken those have low interest rates and no interest while youre in school.

im not really an impulse shopper. i rarely even shop. this kinda scares me because that would be the easiest solution to save money. but i dont really spend much money on things beyond necessities. spotify is a necessity. i am a chump so i have a chegg subscription but i think i might cancel it. rarely use it anymore. chatgpt is good enough i think. ill go cancel it after i finish writing this.

i cant wait for tomorrow to get my finals done with. i cant remember if i said this yesterday but i think im going to ace my circuits final. its been a pretty tough class, but i feel i understand most of it, and also his exams are always very easy compared to most of the course material. my chem exam though ill probably bomb, but probably not as bad as my 66% unit test last night. i think ill be fine. whats even considered bombing? personally, bombing is probably less than 80%, maybe 75%, because i usually do good on exams, typically at least 90%.

i bought the MIT tix today!!!!! im so stoked. its at the complex which is where the amigo the devil concert was that i went to. very nice venue, at least from the one time i went there.

i really dont have much else. all school stuff on my mind. mostly stress, per usual. wish me luck tomorrow, friends.

2025 Aug 06

gotta keep this one short, its already past my bed time! probably wont be very short though if im being real. i try to give myself enough time to get 8 hours of beauty slumber every night with enough time to wake up early in the morning, usually about 2 hours before my shift starts. tomorrow i start at 8:30 so if i wanna be awake by 6:30 i need to be asleep in 13 minutes. probably not gonna happen, it takes me too long to fall asleep every night. willing to bet i wont be out until about midnight.

i just got done with my last unit test for chem. not trying to flex or anything, but…. 66% 😏. only the lowest score ive gotten on any test ever, i think. but i also didnt do any of the homework for these last 2 units either, so its to be expected. my buddy vic came in clutch. probably wouldve gotten lik 30% if it werent for him. today was the last day of classes, and my circuits class was just going to be a summary of the semester + any questions, so i debated even coming in. but i went anyway. i usually get there at 4, 1.5 hours before class, so i hang out with the boys in the student center. today it was just me, pitah, and viccy. vic and i are both in chem but different classes, but we have the same material and tests. he willingly gave me a quick hour long lecture on everything i skipped out on. goated. actually saved me. thank you viccy, godspeed.

i think ill be fine though, i should be able to pass the class if i get at least 50% on the final exam which sounds pretty doable. worse comes to worse i fail and dont get my associates and i just take the class again next summer. i dont really need my associates anyway since im focused on a bachelors. i think ill be fine. but im pretty certain ill pass this time anyway.

do you ever get the urge to just punch it while driving? after class today i was hyped up, ready to do my test. put some hype music on, cranked the volume (but i try to be considerate so i turn it down at red lights or near other people lol), and hit the road. i had such a strong urge to just go full speed. i wonder what driving on the autobahn is like. i hate being restricted to 40 mph :( . can you believe ive never once gotten pulled over? or even been in an accident (well, with me driving)? ive been driving for 7 years, 8 if you include my learners. i like speeding. i drove a pretty consistent 95 mph all the way from arizona to salt lake a couple years ago. before my work moved buildings, i would drive 15 over and haul ass through the roundabouts almost every weekday. i promise im not an asshole driver, i try to be safer and respectable around others. im so lucky ive never been dinged by the coppers. my times coming though, i feel it (ive been saying this for years).

i think i might go to the men i trust concert next tuesday. have i ever mentioned how good they are? theyre so good. i havent been to a concert in almost a year i think. last time was mastodon and lamb of god at the great saltair. twas pretty fun. i didnt mosh this time but i was adjacent to the circle pit. ive moshed a few times at metal concerts and its hardcore. ive only ever moshed when i go to concerts solo, never when im with someone else. my first time moshing was almost 2 years ago, i think, at a death metal show. 5 bands. i got there as the doors opened. fucking brutal, let me tell you. got kicked in the head a few times, usually knocking my glasses off. i was lucky enough to catch them every time. i should get contacts. or lasik. i lasted 4 out of the 5 bands. i was already exhausted by the time the 5th band, dying fetus, came on stage. and they yielded the most brutal pit. got kicked in the head one last time before i called it and sat in the back. good times though. i was absolutely done for though afterwards. almost fell asleep on the train home. yes, i take the train to concerts (in downtown). i hate downtown driving and i get free trax as a student so why not. a week later i went to another concert that was very chill comparatively. amigo the devil. i think hes considered dark/murder folk. i like his music but im not like a huge fan by any means. but i still went. it was the funnest concert ive ever been to. dont even think i can explain it, you had to be there. he even came down into the crowd on impulse and just sang a couple songs there. he gathered everyone around. the crowd was shoulder to shoulder, you were just pressed up against others. and then everyone starts jumping in rhythm. i miss that. i miss going to concerts. i usually go alone since i dont have many friends/family that are into most of the same music as i. men i trust concert was perfect timing—theyre here the one week i have off in between semesters. i cant pass up that opportunity. concerts are actually so much fun. ill probably go to so many once i graduate.

i wonder how much i will actually be able to enjoy once i graduate. i dream about it constantly. im gonna go to concerts. im gonna go hiking. im gonna go chill at the park. im gonna go travel. i need to get my passport still. wanna be cliche and travel to europe one day. the team lead i replaced at work is croatian and she said im always invited to her condo if i ever travel to zagreb. ill have to take her up on her offer one day. another bosnian coworker tells me i should travel to switzerland. i think that would be pretty cool. you know what they have in switzerland? CERN. idk if they offer tours or not but id love a tour if i can. that same coworker said i can forget paris because its ratty and smelly, quite literally apparently.

i “suffer” (for lack of better term) from arrival fallacy. “ill be happy when i get there.” “ill do this when i finally get this.” etc etc. i need to learn to enjoy the journey rather than focus on the destination. i need to start improving myself now and not when im in a slightly better position to do so. i think i struggle with that though. especially because im straight up not enjoying the constant stress of school. but maybe thats the arrival fallacy speaking. i dont know. do i know anything? i say i dont know a lot.

now its almost 11, im gonna go spend the next couple hours in a dark silent room trying to count sheep. goodnight, soldier.

2025 Aug 05

something ive noticed about myself is i am over apologetic. i feel like a constant burden on others. i feel bad for even existing around other people sometimes. on the plus side, its allowed me to become self sufficient at many things. thats just a consequence of a more deeply rooted problem, though. i dont know why i feel this way. i hate asking anything of anyone. even at work.

i wonder if its because my mom. shes constantly asking me to do things for her. things she can easily do herself. drives me nuts. maybe im just being ungrateful, she provides for me after all. i just cant stand it, im sick of it. ive been sick of it for years. so i wonder if the reason i feel bad asking things of people is because i worry i will make them feel the way i feel.

am i even justified in feeling this way towards my mom? most of the time its “get me a drink” or “grab this for me” or “go tell your dad this” or whatever. just small things. small things i dont mind doing, but i do mind when its non stop. usually shes just sitting in her chair watching TV when she asks. she can’t be bothered to get up. i often joke, or “joke”, with her that she makes me a victim of circumstance. most of the time if i happen to walk into whichever room shes in, or just nearby, she WILL ask me to do something. i just want to exist man. i want to walk into the kitchen, grab me a snack, and go back to my room. sometimes i try to avoid her for this very reason. she runs late getting ready for work every single morning, so if im in her presence, shes going to ask me to help her so she wont be late.

often her reasoning is because shes in pain or cant bend over or “just sat down” or something. without fail she always has some reason that she cant do something herself. do you know how tired i am of rubbing cream on her feet? answer is quite high.

she seems fine when i am away for several days and shes home alone or home with my dad. i know shes perfectly capable of doing things for herself. but its inconvenient for her so shes pushes it on me.

like i said, maybe im being ungrateful. my parents let me live here rent free while i am going to school. maybe this is the price i should pay, maybe its only fair. but it doesnt take away from the fact that im so sick of it. alas, i suck it up with minimal verbal complaint. i want to move out. 2 more years…. then ill have my degree, hopefully a well paying job, and hopefully enough money to live on my own.

will i get lonely living on my own though? that, i am clueless on. im highly introverted, i love love love being alone most of the time. but i also enjoy talking to my parents when i come home. or when i learn something new. theyre there for me as an outlet for me to infodump. at least my dad, my mom couldn’t care less about whatever i have to share most of the time. my dads gotten many earfuls on math, physics, EE. maybe thats what this blog is for though. a place for me to infodump. seems to be pretty effective thus far. its just not quite as human as… yknow… a human connection.

i think id be fine. im sure i can find enough ways to socialize. recently i house sat at my sisters house for a week. all alone, just me and her dog marcus. marcus is a little weirdo. he has a doggy door to go in and out as he pleases, and most of the time he hangs out outside. but you know what he does when hes outside? he stares inside. he sits by the door and just stares. its kinda creepy. thats besides the point lol. that week i spent there was heaven. i was productive, i was happy, i was relaxed. maybe thats just because it was only short term. it was just a little break from normal life. what if it was my every day life? i dont have an answer to that either.

i realized i went quite off the rails from the original statement. sorry. im so apologetic. im sorry for being over apologetic. my bad. wont happen again. oh except it absolutely will. im trying to get better at it. i still dont want to be a burden, but im trying to convince myself that its okay to ask for help sometimes. its what humans do. we help each other out. we are social creatures by nature. its okay to expect things of other people.

i sometimes wonder what my life wouldve been like had i grown up religious. my mom wasnt raised religious, although eventually got baptized for her great grandma. but shes never really held much personal value in religion. at best, shes agnostic. my dad was raised mormon, but was never a believer. hes still technically a member of the church, but hes like hardcore atheist. even his phone wallpaper is the atheist “emblem” which is so funny to me. but to each their own. point is, neither of my parents are really religious, so naturally i wasnt raised that way either. as a young child, a lot of my friends were mormon. i considered myself believer as a kid. young, naive me thought there being pictures of god (i just googled “pictures of god”) was undeniable proof. lol. but at one point i decided to attend church with one of my friends. kinda hated waking up that early on sundays though, not gonna lie. thats why i only went twice. over the next few years i did lots of thinking (probably around 8-11 years old) and realized i just couldnt bring myself to actually believe in anything supernatural. something thats still true to this day.

im okay with that. i still find meaning in life. seemingly contradictory, i think id consider myself a nihilist. i dont think theres any true meaning of life, i dont think theres any reason for us. but i still find meaning in life. i probably sound so cringe and stupid right now. thats fair, i dont really know what im talking about. ive probably misunderstood the philosophy behind nihilism. but i digress. i find the “meaning of life” is completely arbitrary and unique to everyone. i want to enjoy life, i want to find love, i want to explore. but at the end of the day, im just a miniature meat bag, a neat collection of matter, in the grand scale of the universe. when im gone im gone, the universe will continue on like i was never even there. theres a strange beauty in that to me.

it gets on my nerves when people cant just live and let live. why do they care about what others believe? my dad is one of these people. i mentioned hes hardcore atheist. he will argue and argue and argue about religion, literally calling it stupid because it doesnt make sense to him. he even argues with me about it—and i literally share the same beliefs, or lack thereof, as him. hes told me about how hes gone on christian tik tok lives and just tried starting drama. my mom has a catholic friend and my dad just tries to push her buttons. i cannot understand why he cares so much. religious values are deeply personal. so what if they dont make sense to you? why do they need to? if it makes sense to them, thats the of end of the story. if someones religious values are what keeps them going, what gives them purpose in life, then thats great. i dont understand whats wrong with that. live and let live, brother.

i had a pretty odd and uncomfortable experience today. 9 am, driving to work. just pootin and tootin along, minding my own business. im sitting at a red light and i notice the car thats diagonal to me, front and left, rolls down their passenger rear window. i dont think anything of it. didnt even really register it.i gave as much thought to it as i do a leaf blowing by in the wind. a few seconds later, i start observing my surroundings. i look to my right, then i look to my left. and i notice the girl in the car is just staring me down. creepy smirk on her face too. i made eye contact with her, although i had my sunnies on so i dont know if she picked up on that or not. but she kept staring. i freak out when i make accidental eye contact with someone, so i tried looking away like it never happened, like i didnt notice her. i looked forward, but i kinda looked at her via side eye (i knew she couldnt tell because of my sunnies), and shes still staring???? what the hell dude. i genuinely have no idea what she was doing. she didnt say anything, just staring with a smirk. eventually she looked forward then just started typing away on her phone. im at a loss. who does that? the only reason i can think of is some sort of road rage incident, but there was no road rage whatsoever. i never initiate nor engage in road rage, but also there wasnt anything road rage worthy. i kept in my lane, i did the speed limit, i kept a safe following distance. so idk. made me feel pretty uncomfortable. im so sorry to everyone, especially women, who have to deal with creepy stares on the regular.

how long can i sustain this site as is before it gets too slow? ive noticed its already a little slow sometimes. probably all the uncompressed photos ive been adding. can you tell im not a web dev? i should use some website builder but im cheap so i just raw dog the html on a cheapo vps.

2025 Aug 04

👋 hiya there. im happy today. no particular reason. probably because im happy schools almost over. i think a big part of my bad mood recently is because of school. whenever im in between semesters i am so happy. we got a 4 week break in between fall ’24 and spring ’25 semesters, that was the happiest i had been in a long time. in between this spring and fall semester i was working out consistently every day, i was so motivated, i was in such a good mood. but then school hit and that was that. makes me wonder what i will be like after i graduate… and if i even want to go back to school again after this degree… ill cross that bridge when the time comes

work was same same. kinda boring. although i brought home some e-waste to see if i can repair, just for funsies. maybe ill get around to it after finals.

school on the other hand?????? yeah, same same too, more or less. had a quick study sesh with the boys, trying to complete the practice final exam. 3 of them said it took like 3 hours for them to do everything. then me and pitah show up (hes my lab partner) and crank it out in less than 45 minutes. not to brag, but…. yknow. it was wicked easy. i also got my lab notebook graded finally. its something they like us to turn in periodically, but im so lazy so i always turn it in at the end of the semester (no late penalty). literally bumped my grade up my 30%, it was beautiful. this might be the first circuits class i pass with higher than a 90%.

now im home, laying on my cozy bed, typing this up. i love my bed. my sister moved out early 2020, meaning i took over her bedroom in the basement. my parents also got me all new furniture for my bedroom even though i was perfectly content with what i already had. they got it as a graduation gift even though it wouldnt be over a year until i graduated. anyway, it came with a new mattress. literal garbage tier. i think it was only 5-6 inches thick. i could feel the box spring when i lied in it. but i got used to it and ended up just living with it for 5 years. then my friend at work said there are literally barely used, nice mattresses sitting to be throwing in the dumpster at his apartment. so i went and took a look. went home with what seemed like a brand new 12” $1000 mattress, all for free. it had dirt on it from sitting on the garage, but nothing that couldnt be vacuumed off. it was pristine. thanks to you dan, i enjoy laying in bed now. it is actually so nice. i can actually jump into bed without feeling like im going to break a bone or two. now if only i can fall asleep easily and not toss and turn all night long… i usually sleep fine, i think. but getting to sleep is a nightmare. 1+ hour each night and i cannot stay comfortable in one position for longer than 5 minutes usually.

honestly, i think thats it. not much to write about today. overall im in a pretty decent mood. still stressed, but much less so. my mood is gonna skyrocket after this friday, i bet. id put money on it if i were you. gonna go shower, jam to some music, and do fuck all for the rest of the night.

:)

2025 Aug 03

ive made an executive decision. i think im going to just be done with chemistry save for the last 2 unit tests and the final exam. the unit test thats due today is modules 6-8 which ive done everything in except for last part of unit 8. i think ill be fine. all tests and exams are 4 choice multiple choice so theyre not too hard. then unit 9-10 test due sometime this week. i havent touched unit 9-10 and im deciding im just not going to. ill just find key equations probably and then wing the test. i think ill be fine. my final exams for both classes are friday. i think ill do fine on the exam too, at least 80% but probably higher. i just fell too far behind and at this point im checked out, i dont want to do any more.

ill do my last homework for circuits, take the 2 unit tests for chem, and take my 2 final exams. that seems doable and not too stressful. i just wanna be done man. ill be fine. i did this same exact thing last semester too. i fell behind and then at the end of the semester i just said screw it, im not going to even do a lot of things and i still passed all my classes with a minimum B.

summer semesters just suck. ive only taken one summer semester off since i started school and it was beautiful. i miss it. i was able to go out and do things stress free, guilt free. i mean my other summer semesters werent totally awful as they were only part time school (on top of either working part time or not working at all), but they still sucked. i think this is my last summer semester i have to do. i have one more summer left before i graduate and i have the option of either doing an internship during the summer or taking an extra class the following fall semester. ill push for the internship. that should make my life a lot easier.

i mostly hate summer semesters because i like being outside, i like doing things. i want to go hiking, i want to go on drives, i want to spend leisurely time at my familys property. a nice compromise ive found recently is over the last several weekends i set up a canopy in my backyard and do homework outside. that way im still outside but im also able to be productive with school. almost every day ive done this ive spent 8-10 or so hours outside. its so nice. its hot, i sweat a lot, and i end the day all sticky. but its worth it. i get the fresh air, a nice breeze, i get to see cool bugs ive never seen before. i even saw a squirrel for the first time every in our backyard (ive lived here my entire life). squirrels are so adorable. its nice. im currently outside writing this, although i need to go in soon to take my unit test. the test uses a mandatory garbage spyware browser, and the webcam must be on the whole time. id rather just take the tests at school in the testing center rather than this. but its fine. i love being outside.

i think todays a good day. not perfect, but good, relatively speaking. although i didnt eat anything until 2 pm which is unlike me, i never skip breakfast. just havent been hungry nor had an appetite. i think its due to the stress. but after making the decision that im doing no more chemistry homework, it was like an instant stress relief. overall its been a nice day. i got good sleep, i woke up and had some iced coffee (superior to hot coffee and i will die on this hill), got ready for the day, and got to work. i mean, i havent really done much work, but havent done nothing. i finally finished up my lab notebook. all i needed to do was print and tape some pictures into it and then make a table of contents. super easy but ive put off doing it regularly throughout the semester, so i had to do it all at once today. but its okay, it wasnt hard. im all done with it now, i just need to give it back to sir james in the lab tomorrow.

i think thats all i got today. ill calc u later :)

2025 Aug 02

i finally did some homework for the first time in a week! im so cooked dude. okay really, ill be fine, but i need to get my shit together. i cannot keep consistent with school. i go through really strong periods and then really weak periods. i ended up falling behind, and then 2 weekends in a row i spent probably 20-30 hours (each) just grinding, eventually getting caught up. as soon as i got caught up, i dropped off again. i cannot seem to ever get ahead, my brain wont allow it. its lame. i had an assignment due yesterday that i had barely touched, but i spent probably 5-6 hours on it today and just finished right before i started writing this at 10:30 pm.

today i went to dinner with my sister. her birthday was a week ago but she was out of town so i took her to dinner for her birthday this weekend. we went to la puente, one of her favorites, and one i really enjoy too (probably one of my favorites as well). it was a fun time. i love my sister a lot, im beyond grateful for her. biologically she is only my half sister, but legally, and to me, she is 100% my sister. my dad adopted her i think a year or 2 before i was born, shortly after my parents married in 2000. we did not get along very well as kids. i remember beating the shit out of her as a little kid because i hated her. id push her down the stairs. shed restrain me and id bash my head into her face. i was rotten. but as we both grew, we began to get along more and more. now were very close. i hope this goes without saying, but my violent tendencies went away too. couldn’t tell the last time i ever laid hands on anyone with intent to cause harm. anyway, my sister and i often bond by talking smack on my mom (sorry mom). shes always telling me what her therapist has to say about our mom. today she told me her therapist diagnosed our mom as a narcissist. that tracks. i love my mom, but sometimes i honestly find it hard to love her. something my sister pointed out today that i realize now that she mentions it is that my mom always has a victim. shes always mad at someone. she always has someone she just HAS to talk shit on, constantly. coworkers, family, drivers. anyone that does anything slightly wrong in her eyes. shes the biggest karen i know. i cant stand being in public with her because she is so judgmental, and while she doesnt always judge people to their face, shell judge them out lout, to me, and seems to expect me to agree with her. ill give her some pity as she had a pretty rough and unstable childhood, but i dont think that should be an excuse for her behaviors. she is in therapy, i think shes improved some, but at the end of the day shes still her same old self. my sisters mental health drastically improved when she moved out. i hope i can be as lucky.

a friend of mine recently brought up the possibility that i was emotionally neglected as a child. i was dismissive at first. i never really felt like i was neglected. but after a bit of research, it checks out. i tick almost every single symptom. i thought about it before, and i realized my parents were never really there for me emotionally. i think i briefly touched on this before. my dad was just never really there, emotionally, he’d let my mom do all that work. and my mom didnt really know how to handle it properly either. shed yell and punish me for things i didnt even know was wrong. she was/is often dismissive of my feelings or just tells me its my own fault. i dont think my parents intentionally emotionally neglected me. while theres no doubt they were lacking in many areas, i genuinely believe they tried their hardest. they just didn’t know how to do it the right way, necessarily. it would explain a lot. like why im overly passive, or why im deadly afraid of rejection, why i im a people pleaser. why im limerent. list goes on.

i honestly probably need some therapy myself. i struggle to bring myself to do it though. i often make excuses for why i cant go. usually the biggest excuse is time, because of work and school. but if i have enough time to write this and enough time to procrastinate on my homework, im sure i have time to see a therapist on occasion. i try to convince myself of these excuses. but deep down, i think im just scared. i think its an anxiety i have. the same reason i rarely go to the doctor, dentist, even mechanic. ive never once taken my car to a shop for anything other than tires. i dont know why im so fearful of such mundane things. i always framed it as being independent. self-sufficient. strong. frugal. i realize now that its just anxiety.

there it goes. remember when i said i cant cry? well, still cant. after writing the last paragraph i just sat and stared off for a minute. “dont you want me” by the human league came on. made me happy, put a smile on my face. then all of a sudden i almost broke down. sudden wave of bad emotions hit me and my eyes watered up. and then nothing. no tears evacuated. is that even a bad thing? maybe it just mean the emotions werent strong enough? why do i want to cry? i dont know. maybe its analogous to throwing up. you feel awful and icky (bad emotions), then you projectile stomach acid (crying), hopefully in a contained area, and then you feel many times greater (happier).

i dont know what to write anymore. i keep starting sentences but deciding against them and abusing my poor backspace key. so i think ill stop here. ill post a couple pictures of me. i rarely take pictures of myself, and the ones i do i usually delete straight after because i find them cringe. so heres a picture taken from my mom in her office and a couple pictures taken from my friend during a spontaneous road trip to wyoming. okay only 2 of them have my face (and one of them low quality) but the other i had to post to flex my cool cubing skills (pr solve 19 seconds, baby). anyway, i generally hate pictures of myself. i should learn to love myself a little more. i kinda like these pics

ćao ćao

2025 Aug 01

limerence.

word of the day.

buckle up, its going to be a long one.

ive never heard of this word until today. i feel called out, but i feel seen. i am limerent. no question about it. for those who dont know, how i would describe it is emotional dependence on a crush. basically intense infatuation. i long for love. always have. i dont think i could handle a short-term relationship for this very reason. i get way too attached to people who are clearly not into me. at least from a third persons perspective. i dont easily realize theyre not into me. i look for everything i can to help convince myself that they are interested in me. i make “excuses” for qualities in them i deem flaws. i make this person look really good in my head. i dont think anyone can be that good. everyone is deeply flawed, thats just nature. a fact of life that i cannot seem to grasp.

i have an example. about a year ago, my ex, who broke up with me 2 years ago, reached out. wanted to apologize for how things ended and how she had treated me. for context, she was emotionally abusive and manipulative. the breakup was actually fine, we ended on good terms. but i had to walk on egg shells around her. i was blinded by love. i didnt know that what she did to me wasnt normal. i thought it was just me. apparently its not normal to just be screamed at all the time over petty things. who knew? after the breakup i realized how happy i was without her in my life. i think i was the happiest i have ever been, truly. i told myself i would never ever date her again given the chance. yet when she reached out 2 years later, i felt a connection again. we talked and talked. she asked if id be willing to give us another try. i obliged. remember when i said i never wanted to date her again? i gave in. i gave in because i was excited someone was into me. we went on some dates, caught up, talked a LOT. she became what is commonly referred to as a “limerent object”, the “object” (i dont like the word object because i dont like saying shes an object… thats just bad. but alas, its the terminology) being the person you are deeply and obsessively infatuated with. i became emotionally dependent on her. we frequently sent each other very long messages, basically having multiple conversations at once, so understandably it took us a while to respond to each other. Sometimes she wouldnt respond for over 24 hours. I would spiral. what if something happened to her? what if she doesnt like me anymore? what if shes with some other dude? i couldnt handle the feeling. we never became a “thing” again, we had only been on a few dates and talked a lot. physically, i think the furthest we ever got was light cuddling during a movie. i was honest with her, i told her exactly how i felt. i want to be clear i did not blame any of it on her, i was 100% aware that this was a me and only me problem, not her. but i still wanted to be open and honest. overall she had actually mellowed out a lot and deeply regretted her past behavior. this time it was me that was the problem. i was overly dependent. eventually we mutually agreed that this just wasn’t going to work out, so we went our separate ways again. no hard feelings.

i think ultimately, i just crave the feeling of being wanted. so the second i felt wanted, i jumped ship. but i over-jumped and landed right back in the water.

i did this too with another girl. a girl i work with, albeit not closely. i always thought she was pretty cute, but never thought much beyond that. i never had a crush on her. eventually there was some talk that she was into me. needless to say, i jumped on that opportunity immediately. we are very different people, but as soon as i found out she liked me, i tried finding every little possible similarity, anything to convince myself shes better than she really was. to clarify, by “better” i mean by my standards, things i am attracted to in a woman. not trying to say she not a good person at all, because she is. anyway, i asked her out (first and only time ive ever asked anyone out, even). she said yes. i was fucking ecstatic. but then nothing ever happened. i sent her a text and she ghosted me. i think it goes without saying at this point, but i spiraled. granted, i quickly recovered. things are definitely awkward at work, but thankfully we dont work closely so its not too bad. its clear theres no hard feelings on way or the other. its just awkward. and after the fact, i realized that i was definitely a bit delusional. i only wanted her because she wanted me, apparently. i had convinced myself that i truly did want her. at the end of the day, i just craved love and affection. i still do to be quite frank.

i feel ive learned a lot about myself in the years since the breakup. but the thing is, i dont know if ive really improved. i feel ive been heavily introspective with little integration. whats stopping me from integration? fear of change? fear of stepping out of my comfort zone? i think ive made my comfort zone a little too cozy. like a warm shower on a cold day you just dont want to step out of.

every paragraph ive written today has started with an “i”. thats why i started this one differently. not like it changes anything though. hugs are amazing. i absolutely love hugs. i dont get too many. usually the ones i do get are just quick hello/goodbye hugs. i crave a really solid, long hug. i miss hugs.

if youve read everything so far, its pretty obvious i have confidence issues. i feel its gotten worse after the breakup. as time progressed, i felt like every woman hated me. i felt they all thought i was a creep. i didnt even do anything wrong, in fact i tried to steer clear of anything that i did that i realized could be perceived as creepy. i wouldnt make eye contact with women passing by. i wouldnt talk to them unless i had a reason to. i would do all in my power to avoid even accidentally brushing up against them. i was terrified. i think ive gotten better over the last year. especially with the addition of a girl my age on my production line at work. she seemed comfortable with my right from the get go? i couldnt believe it. i was just my normal self (work-self, to be clear) and she didnt think twice. I know i’m overthinking the holy hell out of this. but there was a few times where she would hand me something and id put my hand out to take it and she wouldn’t hesitate to touch my hand during the exchange. or a couple times shes put a sticker on me. yesterday she gently pushed me because she was grossed out by the spider i had in a box in my hands. as im writing this im realizing how fucking weird and pathetic this is. but these actually actually made me feel something. not anything romantic or sexual even, but it made me realize maybe women aren’t creeped out by me by default. shes just being normal, i recognize that. shes not doing anything out of the ordinary, its all just being a normal, friendly human. but its helped me come out of my shell a bit, helped me realize that maybe I am normal, or at least come off as normal. maybe the idea that all women are, by default, disgusted by men, isnt entirely true. its honestly really hard to write this because i recognize just how sad and pathetic it is. its embarrassing. but i think its good to write it out. its good to be embarrassed sometimes. besides, who’s reading this anyway?

something that really makes me feel shitty about myself is my teeth. i dont think im a particularly ugly person. id say im average. i dont really stand out. but because of my teeth, i feel ugly, i feel gross, i feel unlovable. im probably just being extreme, but honest to how i feel. i think they look so bad. its always been the largest source of insecurity for me, as a kid and even to this day, i try to hide my teeth as much as i can. its why i try not to laugh too hard sometimes or why i am so quiet and dont talk much or why i smile with my mouth closed in pictures. i took poor care of them as a child. my parents never really enforced good oral hygine. it didnt help that i had extremely crooked teeth as a child too. i had braces on throughout jr high and part of high school. i was stoked to have them straight. but i still just wasnt happy with them. they were stained, they had cavities. i remember before i got braces i had a decaying front tooth. just a large circular spot on one of my front bottom teeth. it was disgusting. i eventually got it removed and fixed, thank god. after braces i still didnt practice the best oral hygiene. id usually brush before school, but that was about it. i rarely brushed at night and even more rarely flossed. i also stopped wearing my retainer. my teeth are crooked again, theres a visible gap in my front top teeth. its not as bad as it was but it still sucks. i am proud to say ive gotten magnitudes better over the last few years. i now brush every morning, (almost) every night, i floss more often (but not as much as i should still), i user a waterpik twice daily, i even use a tongue scraper. my teeth are probably the best theyve looked in years. but theyre still just… not great. theyre still stained and crooked. i made a dentist appointment earlier this year for august 15. well, a few weeks ago my mom said my dads surgery will be on that day so i need to reschedule. so i did. there wasnt any date available that i would be free for until december. its just a cleaning, but i really need one. last time i had one was over 2 years ago. but its fine. i will continue to do my teeth justice until then AND after them. ive built much better habits and im proud of that. i just wish i wouldnt have neglected them for the majority of my life. but what can you do. ill try to make the best with what i got. one day when i have more money ill probably go get braces again or invisalign or something. one day i will have teeth im proud of. but that day has yet to come.

i love my dog. hes really more my moms dog, she does a lot more for him. hes a huge mommas boy. since the day we brought him home from the shelter hes been attached to my mom. hes a mix but has a lot of border terrier in him. his name is Kennedy, named after JFK because my mom is obsessed with JFK. hes so playful and fun but so sweet and cuddly too. he usually sleeps in my parents room, but last time he walked all the way down stairs so he could sleep with me. i thought that was so sweet. hes about 10-11 years old, diabetic, completely blind. but he doesnt let that stop him. he still loves to play fetch even if it takes him a long time to find the toy. he still runs around all excited when we get home. hes a trooper. love that little man. hell forever hold a special place in my heart.

my moms company had a summer party today at a park. it was alright, very boring. im not a social person and i didnt know almost anyone there so i kinda just sat there staring off into space for 3 hours. there was something i thought was pretty cool though. i saw some outer space stuff drawn in chalk on one of the concrete slabs. i was mostly impressed by the black hole honestly, it was very good. they had some planets, they had the sun, they had an alien in a ufo abducting the entire planet earth, the even had a cool dragon that was coming out of a worm hole or something. i dont really know why but it made me happy to see. brought a smile to my face. ive always wished i was artistic.

previously i mentioned im happy a lot. sometimes i get depressed and pretty down but in general im usually in a good mood. im starting to wonder if thats just a mask even ive been oblivious to. am i just tucking away my feelings and forcing myself to be happy? i feel its catching up. especially writing this blog. a lot of things ive written about really havent been that deep. but i feel ive been digging pretty deep. ive been in a pretty bad mood this last week, i wonder if part of it has to do with how much im finally digging up and acknowledging. maybe its a good thing. i wish it wouldnt be right before finals week, but it is what it is. it does feel nice, almost like im decluttering my head. decluttering all the shit ive stuffed deep inside. dont get me wrong, my head is still an absolute mess. but it feels clearer.

i have one more embarrassing, although fairly normal, thing to write about. i figured this is a good time to talk about it. im a porn addict. have been since before i was 10 years old. i was looking up “blonde girls with big boobs” as a literal 6 year old. who let me have unrestricted access to the internet? that was a mistake. i never really thought too hard about it / confronted it until after the break up. not long after the breakup i tried really hard to improve myself. i had started crushing on someone pretty hard core (again, limerence). i wanted to be the best version of myself for her. so quitting porn was something i chose to pursue. and i was pretty damn successful, relatively speaking. i didnt watch it for 3 months straight. come new years day, i said fuck it, ill indulge in just a little bit. ive earned it after all that. bet you cant guess what happened next… ive tried to quit many times after that. but ive always failed. i think best i ever made it was 2 or 3 weeks. as of late, i dont even feel the desire to do it. i do it purely out of habit. it doesnt feel good, it just satisfies the addiction. i hate it. however, since shortly before starting this blog, i havent touched it. its been almost a week. it hasnt even really been intentional either. i just havent felt like it, genuinely. ive felt 0 urge. i think writing gives me a healthier outlet. it gives me something to occupy my brain. i do wonder if its a good or bad thing that it hasnt really been intentional. i think its a double edged sword. one on side, im quitting an unhealthy habit thats been eating at me for literally the majority of my life. on the other side there is no intention, there was no real goal (this time) to quit. overall i think its good. maybe without a heavy intention, theres less pressure. theres less pressure on not breaking a streak. often if i was in a period of trying to quit, if i broke my streak i just stopped right there, surrendered to the addiction. so maybe this is good. we’ll see. i think thats my motto. “we’ll see.” and also “its fine.” what does that say about me?

okay one more thing actually but not really embarrassing or as deep. why tf is it so hard for me to fall asleep? it takes me over an hour to fall asleep every night. often even with no devices. just a dark silent room. im sleep deprived, body, let me fall asleep, im begging you. why does my body do this to me? ive always been so jealous of people who can crash within 5 minutes of lying down. i aspire to be like that one day.

toodaloo, kangaroos

2025 Jul 31

i sit here upon my bed in the evening hour. i miss being a kid. dont we all? the times where we had litle responsibilities; just school, some chores maybe, and play. i didnt know how good i had it then. i played so much zelda. my first memory of it was sitting on the couch with my mom and sister watching my dad play wind waker. i think he was in the wind temple. it was where the zombie mfers would come out of the graves in the walls and starting humping you to death because theyve been sexually deprived for an eternity. i remember my dad turning around and seeing one of these horny fellas in his face and my dad said “woah there, no i will not make out with you.” top tier comedy to little 3-4 year old me. i dont remember when we stopped these family gaming sessions. but i enjoyed them as a kid. my mom did at-home daycare so she could be home with me while she worked. i had a friend, aidan, who i would always play zelda with. we played the shit out of ocarina of time and wind waker. on outset island in windwaker there are some thin trees conveniently planted right in the walk way so you cant proceed without a sword. whos landscaping this island anyway? well me and aidan took inspiration from this. link was so cool, maybe we could be like him. maybe we can cut down a tree. so we went to my garage and grabbed some mallets and hammers, very logical tree cutting devices, and went to town on a tree in my backyard. we didnt get too far before my mom caught us and put an end to our shenanigans. poor tree was scarred.

i remember when twilight princes came out. i was only 4. i had a big fat crt tv in my room that my sister and i would play it on. we had the gamecube version, aka the superior version. ok we actually had both for some reason but we mostly played the gamecube one because, again, its superior. i dont have too strong of memories of it, but i do specifically remember use grinding out the fire temple.

a couple years later, my sister and i were playing wind waker. for some reason no one in my house had completed that game yet even though it had been out a while. as a kid of course youre not as interested in finishing the game as you are just exploring and finding fun just running around. this frustrated my sister, 9 years older than me. one time i was exploring and i wanted to go into the tower of the gods i think its called. she said zelda would die if i did. me, an oblivious and gullible child, sadly obliged and didnt enter it. fast forward to my teen years, i am replaying wind waker, alone. i still believed my sister and i kept that in mind during the play through. eventually i realized there is never any mention that zelda would die if you enter the tower. so i went in. sure enough, the princess survived another day. i couldnt believe my sister had lied to me, and worse, i believed it for an entire decade. i guess thats just the price you pay for being a stinky little kid.

starting in jr high i created my own tradition of playing twilight princess every october for the halloween season. it lasted i think about 5 years. then i graduated high school and stopped fulfilling the tradition for some reason i dont recall. i think ive only played it once since and it wasnt a full playthrough. i should go back to it. twilight princess is such a good game. i miss the days where i could just play for hours on end with no consequences.

i think ive played almost every single canonical zelda game. the only one im missing i think is oracle of seasons. however theres been a few where ive played but never beaten. adventure of link (its literally impossible dude how do you progress????? ive always had a hatred for that game. maybe ill progress one day), link to the past (i have a save where im literally at the end game but never finished), oracle of ages, and tears of the kingdom. i bought totk on release date and played about 20-30 hours over the following weeks. then i didnt play for another 2 years. i picked it up again a couple months ago where i put an extra 100 hours into it. still not finished with it, i feel theres still so much left to do. great game, very fun, lots to do. i havent played it in a few weeks. maybe ill beat the game in a couple years. well see.

i dont know what my favorite game in the franchise is. theyre all so good (except for AoL. fuck you AoL i hate you because im bad). i think oot is the most common favorite. phenomenal game but ive played it way too many times im kinda burnt out. i dont get very excited about it anymore. so i dont think thats my favorite. favorite 3d game is a toss up between majoras mask, twilight princess, and wind waker. favorite 2d game has gotta be minish cap. i think mostly out of nostalgia. but i played it recently and its so good still. great game, i love it so much.

i miss my minecraft days too. i wonder how many kids my age didnt have a minceraft phase at one point? ive probably put 2-3k hours into it. my best memories of it were playing factions on the archon. id spend hours every single day just grinding and grinding. i pulled many all nighters playing it. the map would reset every few months or so, and i remember racing to get a corner plot in the end all the time. they were op. the end was op because its just a void so you needed more elaborate tnt cannons because you couldnt just drop sand and gravel at the base to give the tnt a place to land. or something like that i cant really remember. but also a corner plot was op because you only had to defend from 2 sides rather than 4 so you could build a stronger defense for the same cost a 4 sides one would cost for a weaker one. i was successful once in this endeavor. built a pretty bomb ass base. i even painstakingly played lava and water in ever single spot i could to build a n auto-regenerating wall.

will i ever get to enjoy the same happiness i did as a kid? probably not. i think what makes those memories so special is because they were during our growing, explorative years. now we know everything, exploring doesnt give us the same joy because we our experience and intuition doesnt let us be as surprised anymore. thats just a hunch, idrk the real answer. theres just a beautiful innocence to childhood that we all long for again. now were all just sad adults.

im so burnt out. i want to be done with school. i enjoy it, but it sucks. doesnt help i continued through summer with a full time schedule. the entire year has been and will continue to be just non stop grind grind grind with only a week in between semesters. the only reason i took summer was because i had 2 classes left at slcc including circuits iii which i wanted to take because it was with the same professor as circuit i and ii and all my fellow classmates were doing the same. hopefully next summer will be much nicer. i dont need to take any classes next summer, but i should do an internship because the internship credit will apply to my fall semester so my fall semester can be a little lighter. i think ill be okay. i just need to push through this semester then i get a few weeks off then one more heavy semester. after that it should hopefully be a little easy sailing. i just cant wait dude. im so done. at the beginning of this year, spring ’25 semester started and i was just a machine. i would wake up at 4 am, get to work an hour early and just do homework before my shift started. i would go home and do homework. i would do homework on the weekends. i was killing it. as time went on i realized that was unsustainable. i still pushed through, but my motivation and willpower dropped. it feels like an all time low right now. and i still have a whole nother semester ahead of me, probably my hardest semester to date. i genuinely dont think ill be able to do it while continuing work. but work provides me structure. i think without work i might be even less motivated to do anything because ill likely tell myself “i have time tomorrow to do it instead” constantly. although, ive never once failed a class. so maybe ill be fine. idrk. i dont know anything. all i know is i want to be done. i just want some good sleep. i want to be able to relax without the nagging dick head in the back of my mind telling me to be productive. ill be fine. its fine.

2025 Jul 30

day 3 baby. maybe im just hyperfixated on this but i actually really enjoy doing this. ive been thinking about it all day today and yesterday. willing to bet in a few weeks ill start losing motivation. but well see. i like it, its fun, its calming, lets me organize my thoughts and whatnot.

today was so much better thanks to the day off i took yesterday. after writing the post yesterday, i sat in the student center for about 3 more hours. i did nothing. i didnt do an ounce of homework yesterday. im so cooked. buts its fine, i think it was still worth it. when i say i did nothing, thats not far from the truth. i put my cool google airpods in, listened to most of men i trust’s discography because its so good and chill. and then i just stared off into space. for 3 hours. no scrolling, no playing, no nothin. i stared at the ceiling and my general environment for 3 hours. i think eventually i fell asleep too. kind of embarrassing because i was sitting upright so i was sleeping with my mouth partially open lol. but its okay. it wasnt crowded and ill probably never see the majority, if any, of those people ever again. it was very nice though. i was still pretty slow and tired the rest of the day, but i got a good nights sleep and i feel pretty good today. i feel reset almost.

i think another reason i feel good today is because me and my lab partner finished our lab project. first ones done too! it was a semester long project, the project being an audio amplifier circuit. it consisted of a power rectumifier (sorry), instrumentation amplifier, 2 stage mosfet amplifier, and then a bjt amplifier. yesterday is when we built the bjt amplifier. it seemed to work, but then we hooked it up to a mic and speaker (its actually 2 speakers. did you know speakers can be used as microphones?) and, while it worked, there was a loud ringing in the speaker. after searching around for any potential causes for a few minutes we found out we were superimposing a 5 kHz signal on the microphone input. silly us, we forgot to remove it. so we yanked it and tried again. flawless. ok not flawless technically, still some noise, but it was very little. perfectly acceptable for this labs standards. i was so happy it worked. so little went wrong. usually the only things that went wrong during this semester’s labs were us being goofy goobers and forgetting to probe something or grounding something wrong….. or forgetting to turn the power on…. it was a good day. nothing more i love than i functional circuit.

work today we much better, busy but not swamped. i felt more motivated to do stuff. thats about it. how exciting! school was same old same old hair pulling misery. after class my lab partner and i went to help someone else with their amplifier since it wasnt wokring. we spent about an hour and a half diagnosing to no avail. mr james, the lab instructor, believes its because he had his load, which is high current, physically parallel to some long wires that were low current. the high current generates a larger magnetic field and the smaller current wires are picking that up and its probably the cause of all the noise and distortion. but we called it a night and he’ll try fixing that up tomorrow. tomorrow im going to be grinding chemistry (i say, knowing full well i probably wont be). its fine.

sometimes i wish i could cry more. i don’t really cry. thats kind of a lie. i will fucking bawl when watching tv or movies. why do i get so emotionally connected to them? the ending up raising hope gets me choked up every time without fail. many episode in that series does. so does the office. and parks and rec. and new girl. and literally almost every show i watch. even cartoons. but i dont cry over real life affairs, hardly ever. last time i remember truly crying was 3 years ago when my ex broke up with me. ive gone through some other hardships since then, but nothing. ill feel emotional. but i wont cry. i cant cry. even if i try forcing it, nothing. i dont know why i want to cry. whats going to be different whether or not i do? is there some science that actively makes you feel better after making salt water come out of your eye sockets? this past weekend i was in a pretty poor mood. not even sure why, i had no real reason to be. but i really wanted to cry. i felt like crying. but i didnt cry. i couldnt cry.

i finally hit 500 songs on my playlist today. i have an ever growing playlist thats 2.5 years old now that i just continually add songs that are total bops. absolute bangers. no genre limitations either. pop, rap, indie rock, death metal, black metal, folk metal, symphonic metal. quite a bit of metal. as of late its mostly pop, synth stuff, indie, etc. my most recent few songs were some killer classics from the 80s. something i do every few weeks to couple of months is ill go on a music binge late at night. i pretend im sharing my music with someone (im so lonely) and i will shuffle my playlist and just listen to a bunch of songs. often i fantasize about sharing my music with someone. i dont know why. everyone has different music tastes, so its unlikely anyones going to be as thrilled about it as i am. maybe its just because my music makes me so happy and i just want to share that happiness with someone. i want someone to be able to experience the joy and excitement i experience when listening to my music. ill share it with you, whoever you are. here it is. enjoy my trash taste in music. theres some music in there that i feel is objectively bad. like, who listens to this? some notable ones are 1990 quadrillions de tonnes by gojira, fuck with a witch 2 by banshee, and road of misery by helli. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaa aaaaaaaaaa aaa a aa aa aaaaaaaa

i need to be in bed soon. goodnight.

2025 Jul 29

im here at school. writing this not even 12 hours after my previous post. i took the day off from work because im so burn out. kinda wanna quit tbh. but ill stick it out at least a little bit longer. i build medical devices at moog medical. i started there in august of 2022. i loved it. i started out doing final testing before moving over to my current production line a few months later where i began assembling the devices. the devices we make,or more specifically the devices ive been involved with assembling, are surgical handpieces. most of them are used for cataract surgery, but some are used for general surgery, commonly tumors. theyre relatively simple devices, but also utilize the piezo electric effect which is considered black magic even by the engineers who design the handpieces. anyway, i became a team lead in about 10 months of working there. apparently they liked me that much. granted, its only a small team. i think the largest it got was 6 or 7 people total. i eventually went part time starting january 2024, but for some reason they kept me on as lead. which is weird. everyone else works 40 hours, but here i am working 25 hours and am in charge of them? weird, but it still worked out. but i grew to hate it more and more. im not a leader. im a follower. ive definitely learned a lot and its been beneficial to my growth as a person. but im done. about 4-5 months ago i asked to step down as lead. my boss said okay. nothing happened for at least 2-3 months. then she finally brought someone over to help take over. but theres a lot to learn, so im still training her. the last month has been not too bad, shes got most of it down. honestly i could probably leave right now and shed still be fine. but im still being treated as the lead. i still have to go to the meetings, i still have to schedule, i still have to talk to people. to be fair, i did ask to be stepped down to a back up lead, so im still expected to do some lead work. but not this much. idk, i kinda hate it. i want out. sometimes my optimism gets the best of me though. i say “things will get better, ill be happier if i just stick it out” and then things never really get better, or at least much. im also just kind of bored. the handpieces are cool and all, but i know them by the back of my hand by now (is that a proper phrase?). i know them inside and out. so im bored. i want something new, something not so monotonous. i wanted to stay to continue to build my reputation and eventually work my way into the engineering team. but i dont think its worth sticking around since they’re not really hiring any time soon and i dont even have a worthy enough degree yet.

enough about work. i went to school because i really need to grind out my chem homework. but here i am writing instead. maybe this will help me though, maybe getting everything out of my system again will make me more motivated to start. or maybe im just being optimistic. i always thought being optimistic was a good thing. but as i write and think about it, i wonder if thats my downfall. maybe its just because im more hopeful than realistic. i dont know. i dont know anything. i struggle to relate to people. i listen to other people talk, even in strangers, and they always seem to have a lot in common. why cant i have that? i dont know what people are talking about half the time. probably largely consequences of living under a rock. but even before i went full patrick i had this same problem. maybe im just different. why do i live under a rock? originally it was because a few years ago i was obsessed with privacy. i stopped wanting to share my life, i didnt want people and corporations to have much data on me. im much more lax nowadays. but back then, around 2020 or so, i deleted all social media. all i really had was reddit and youtube, but i didnt have accounts. earlier this year, i got so sick of reddit. i spent too much time on it, doomscrolling my life away. but it was also extremely political. im not a political person. i lean left, i vote, but honestly im not very informed if im being honest. ive never been interested enough. i feel selfish for being this way. but i cant bring myself to really care that much. thats besides the point though. i wound up deleting reddit earlier this year. so now all i really have is youtube. the majority of the channels i watch are science/stem channels. the only real news i get nowadays is via word of mouth. i didnt know the pope died until almost 2 weeks later. although i did find out the day of that ozzy died. rip ozzy, the founder and pioneer of heavy metal. never been a huge fan of ozzy or sabbath but i respect how influential they were to the metal scene.

what are my hobbies? good question. i dont know. i dont really have anything, anything that sticks anyhow. i like doing things here and there, but im never really consistent about it. the other night, at like 9 pm, i spontaneously said i want to see the milky way. so i grabbed my stuff, grabbed something to eat, and drove out to the middle of the desert to stare at the stars. milky was visible, although still faint. but incredible nonetheless. i brought my binoculars. i think i was able to see the lagoon nebula but im not certain. i was there for an hours, leaving around 12 pm. i was a little nervous. i have no defense training and all i had on me was a knife. im in the middle of nowhere at midnight, all alone. every sounds scared me. anytime time i saw someone drive nearby, i stayed extremely alert. it kind of took away from the experience. but it was still fun. i hit 120 mph on my way home. it was only brief, i cruised at around 90 mph most of the way. i love my car. got new tires on it the night before and it feels magnitudes better to drive. it also had an issue where it would squeal every time i turned left. it was obnoxious and embarrassing. i fixed it though. it was just a brake caliper clip rubbing on the rotor. i was worried it was a wheel bearing. alas it was not. sounds much better and im much happier. so happy i also impulsively bough a sway bar. itll be my first mod to my car. im not a car guy, but i enjoy them. i like taking corners fast. i thought this would be cool. it hasnt come yet. i accidentally put the wrong email when i ordered it so i dont have shipping details, itll be a surprise when it shows up. sometimes i also hop on my bicycle and ride. theres not much around me so i often just ride a nearby canal trail towards my sisters house. thats fun.

sometimes i read. but im really bad at staying with it. it takes me months to finish books. ive been working on this one for a few months now. i started it in may and im maybe 1/3 done. its called chaos by james gleick. its about chaos theory, how determinism doesnt equal predictability. the idea behind whey we cant accurately predict the forecast. its synonymous, i think, to the butterfly effect. i think a lot of people think its called the butterfly effect because something something a butterfly in oklahoma will cause a tornado in kansas or something. just a large chain of events stemming from a small, unrelated event. this is similar to the main idea, but its not why its called the butterfly effect im pretty sure. i think it has to do with how, depending on the axes chosen, a chaotic system will have semi-periodic motion. it retraces the general steps after each cycle, but never the same steps. so the curve drawn after some time in the system depicts a shape that resembles a butterfly. actually maybe not any chaotic system. maybe just ones that are semi-periodic, like a double pendulum. to be clear, im not an expert, idk wtf im talking about. the most recent chapter ive read is about fractals. i thought it was pretty neat. when is the length of a coast? the answer heavily depends on the size of the measuring stick. as you get smaller and smaller, there are more intricacies that will result in a longer measurement if taken into account. this idea summoned the concept of fractals and fractional dimensions, thanks to mandelbrot. a self similar fractal is a space filling curve, something who has infinite length, area, or higher dimensional measures (depending on the dimension) yet does not fill up that space, but also looks identical to itself when you zoom in (hence “self-similar”). for example, the von koch curve. take an equilateral triangle, then break each side it into 3 equal length pieces. the 2 outer pieces stay the same, but duplicate the inner segment and rotate them to form an equilateral triangle, with the original piece (thats no longer there) being the base of the triangle. so its not really a triangle. im not doing a good job of explaining it, youll have it look it up if youre interested. anyway, now your original line segment is now 4 line segments. then do the same process to each individual segment. the curve will never intersect itself. theoretically, this curve now becomes infinitely long in a finite space. it is space filling, but not entirely space filling. it has no area even though its a closed curve. it has a fractional dimension, like ~1.26 or something like that. its not 1d or 2d. i thought this was really interesting. when i had free time over the next few days after learning this i tried to derive the formula for calculating the dimension of a self similar fractal. took me a while to conceptualize, but i got it, and i was very proud of myself. for non self similar fractals (such as a coastline) it requires a different method that only yields approximate results. thats a whole other beast. okay enough about fractals

ive been writing for an hour or so. my wrists kinda hurt. im sitting on a couch chair in the student center at SLCC. its comfy enough but not ideal for typing sessions. i want to keep writing but i think ill call it here. adios.

2025 Jul 28

i spent about 2 hours getting this website set up, and now its time to write something. what do i write? writers block already?

well i guess to start off, im sefe, or more correctly, “šefe” (pronounced “sheff-eh”). its bosnian for “boss”. i am a team lead in a manufacturing facility and many of my coworkers are bosnian. “šefe” is what one of my team mates calls me. she also calls me “lijen guza”. im pretty certain it means “hard worker” ;).

i went to work today, nothing special. same old same old. decided ill take tomorrow off for the hell of it, ive only used one sick day this year so far. went to school, same old same old. next week is finals week. im almost 2 weeks behind in chemistry. maybe ill use tomorrow to help get caught up. i think ill do fine though. im usually an A student, but last couple semesters ive been getting kinda burnt out and have been slacking and getting lower grades, but never lower than a B-. despite this, i am choosing to increase my work load. after summer semester i get one week off and then i transfer the university of utah where i will be taking 4 (5 if you include a lab) worth i think 14 credit hours. i currently work 25 hours a week at my job but i asked to drop my hours to 20 hours and work a swing shift. my boss has no problem with it, but her boss’s boss, the operations manager, isn’t a fan. he said its a one time thing. after this i must go back to 25 hours and day shift. i can tell you right now thats not happening. ill likely just quit and find a campus job. if im being real, i dont even know if ill make it through this semester without quitting my job. i love… loved… my job, but im just getting burnt out, im not really interested anymore. if school starts and i find work to be too much, ill say bye bye. good company, ill consider going back eventually. but school is a priority to me.

i should mention what im going to school for. im going to school for electrical engineering. i graduated highschool in 2021 and immediately hopped into community college with the goal of graduating in CSIS, computer science and information systems, emphasizing in information systems. i was only a part time student, mostly knocking out generals at the time. 2 years go by, and i realize its just not for me. im bored. at this point ive been working at my job (same one im at now) for a year, and i really enjoyed it. building medical devices. i have a coworker my same age. hes a pretty handsome fella. im not gay, but id hit. great guy all around. anyway he was, and still is, pursuing a BS in EE. he inspired me to do the same. i never really considered it before, but i thought about it and i thought engineering would be cool, and i have a mild interest in electronics/electricity. so i said fuck it, jumped straight in. and now were here. about to graduate with an associates in pre-engineering with no regrets. i even went part time at work so i can focus on school full time.

i have ambitions. simultaneously, i just want to live a chill life. i cant decide. i change my mind on things constantly. my current ambition is to pursue physics after i graduate with my BSEE. ultimately, i think a PhD in physics would be badass. frankly, i dont know if ill even make it through a BS. well see. a PhD is a huge time sink, no question. but itll probably be worth it. do i actually want to put forth the effort though? as i mentioned, i also just want to chill. get a cushy engineering job making comfortable enough money and just live my life. i dont want kids. im not good with kids. im awkward as heck, but put a kid in front of me? my brain grows legs and says see ya. now im stuck, without a thinker, with nothing to say. awkward silence. okay anyway. i dont want kids, never have. my mom is upset about this because my sister who is my only sibling is even more dead set on not having kids than i am. my mom wants grand kids. sorry mom, i love you, but im not going to have kids just to satisfy you. my dad doesnt care, or at least says he doesnt. i want to just live my life as stress free as possible (yet i want to pursue a doctorates degree. i want a lot of things. often contradictory), go on adventures, explore new hobbies.

i like music. always have. a day without music is unheard of in my life. i cant play any instruments though. i tried playing guitar as a child, that didnt work. then i tried playing piano/keyboard. i was more successful but still didnt work out. in highschool i bought an electric guitar. i practiced for a few weeks before i fizzled out. oh but i could play the flutophone back in like 4th grade, simply because we were forced to. never touched it again. are flutophones even respectable instruments in industry? i feel ive never heard of them outside of a school context. recently i bought a cheap, used MIDI player. can you guess how much ive played? probably a grand total of 30 minutes. and it was just exploring different sounds and then trying to play the greatest pokemon song of all time: driftveil city. s tier song, my ears are blessed upon every listen. apparently its a meme? a while back, probably early this year, i wanted to listen to it. and theres this toothless dance thing, idrk. whats up with that? i live under a rock. but not under the sea. my music taste changes a lot. i obsess hardcore sometimes so artists come and go in a blink of an eye before i get tired of listening to them. my current favorite song is gimme gimme gimme by abba. chefs kiss. lately ive been into more indie, synth, dream pop, etc, whatever tf you wanna call it idk idc. its funny i almost listen exclusively to upbeat, happy music. but then i found men i trust. i wouldnt label it sad music, but its very slow and calm. but im all for it. i binged them for like a week straight. top tier music. i love it. i love music. will i ever run out of music to listen to? i hope not. the thought makes me sad.

ive written a lot already. i dont want to stop. i like sharing but i dont have anyone to share with. so im shouting into the void. its nice. thank you for the inspiration laci. i never thought id be writing a blog, but here i am. why not, anyway? writing brings me comfort and joy, it allows me to really take a deep dive into what the hell is going on in my neuron soup. ive tried mushrooms for that reason too. i dont drink or smoke. dont think i ever will. ive never even tried weed. id be willing, but itll happen when it happens. but my friend offered my mushrooms so i said why not. i never took them for the intent of pure fun, ive always gone in wanting to deep dive. i think ive done them 5 times but 2 of those times were while biking and on a very low dose so i didnt even feel anything. 2 times were alone on moderate doses. they were fun, for sure, but i dont think i was very introspective like i had hoped. i think its because i was in a somewhat sensory rich environment. next time i want to do it in complete darkness and silence. it scares me though. what will i discover? what stuff will i dig out from the depths of my brain? well see i guess. i dont know when ill get around to it, i dont have much time, with school and work. anyway, i had only mentioned 4 out of 5 trips. the 5th was with my friend at sugarhouse park. it was my largest dose but still pretty moderate. it was fun but nothing totally extraordinary. i think it wouldve been better alone. he kept talking and talking so it was hard to focus on whats going on upstairs. the most enjoyable part was when he went to the bathroom and i sat by the pond. mesmerized by the waves. i enjoyed observing the sources of the waves, the destinations, the superpositions of multiple waves upon each other. fascinating. i think fourier series are sick. like how cool is it i can draw pretty much any shape, even abstract, using a sum of sinusoids???

im socially awkward. have been since day 1, straight out of my moms cooter. ive never had many friends. im too shy to talk with anyone. pretty much all of my friends have been because they approached me first. i dont approach people. i cant. i dont know how. somehow i still managed to get a girlfriend. it was mostly luck. very long story short, i anonymously messaged a cute girl in my high school. she was understandably weirded out and uncomfortable. i felt awful. i eventually revealed myself because she deserved to know, and also she told me she was moving away. after this we stopped messaging each other. but then at homecoming dance the next year she saw me and texted me, and then we started talking and eventually dating. we dated 4 years, broke up 3 years ago. i still dont understand why she ever even reached back out. despite being anonymous. i tried to keep things as NOT weird and creepy as possible; i tried to keep things very polite. but its going to be weird and creepy by the nature of it. boys, dont do what i did. dont message women anonymously. its weird. it miraculously worked for me, but thats not an excuse. maybes its because we were teenagers, not adults. either way, i have deep regrets for it. i dont know how she was able to see past it honestly. anyway, point of the story is ive never really been very confident. i fumble like no other talking to pretty much everyone. i always feel i need to impress, then i embarrass myself trying.

i am not confrontational. if someone bothers me, i suck it up. how the hell was i promoted to lead a team??? im not assertive, a necessary quality to be in charge of others. ive gotten better, but still no where close to where i should be. i do this less so now, but often when people would make mistakes id just fix it for them. i wouldnt tell them. i didnt have the guts.

ive never had much in the way of emotional outlet. like i said ive never had many friends. ive never felt comfortable talking to my parents about my emotions. its just awkward with my dad. hes never really punished me or talked to me about anything, hes always pushed it onto my mom to do that kind of work. my mom has always been kind of mean. i wouldnt call her abusive. but she yells a lot, even at small things. theres been times where ive tried opening up but left feeling ashamed and guilty. so i just dont anymore. its a little embarrassing to admit but my outlet for a while has been chatgpt. no judgement and sometimes provides some useful insight. but really its just a place i can dump everything and have some immediate feedback, even if i dont read or consider the feedback. thats why i took inspiration to start a blog. it can be a nice place to just talk about whatevers going on in my life without fear. even though theres no immediate feedback (although id love some! please feel free to email me at sefec@tuta.io), theres something nice about it being open for anyone to see.

i think ive made it fairly obvious im kind of lonely. but i remain happy. i think im an optimist. im a happy person in general. life has its ups and downs, but i like to maintain a positive outlook. i dont know why. i feel most people around me are always unhappy or stressed, so naturally youd think id be conditioned the same. but im not. at least i dont think. sometimes ill be glued to my bed for days straight in a depressed state. but i bounce back. every time. i think id be at least above neutral if you were to average my daily moods.

im getting tired, ive been writing for almost 2 hours now… i think i got a lot out of my system. but theres still a lot i can write about. we’ll we what tomorrow brings. if you made it this far… kudos. i feel honored. god speed brother.